The Marauders and PoA
by Kinz
Summary: Rated for slight language. The Marauders get the PoA book, along with a girl from the future who is extremely.. odd... What will they do with their new-found knowledge? Will they kill Sirius before the book is over? R
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer:** I do not own anything you recognize. I do, however, own Katie. She is me. Kinda. Anyway, I own her. And you don't. I win! ^_^  
  
**A/N:** Yeah, it's been done. I'm trying to make my story a little bit different than other people's, but I can't make any guarantees. I'm writing this because 1.) I'm bored and 2.) I've been reading other really good MST stories. Anyway, this is a Marauders-find-PoA fic. And screw FFN if they don't like it. I'll just put it up again as soon as I get uploading privileges back. Anyway, Katie is kind of based off of me, but not entirely. My name isn't Katie, for one thing. Oh, and yes, this fic got deleted once. I'm adding new format and putting it up again. If FFN doesn't like it up again... screw them. And I got a review (M not sure who it was from, I forgot) saying that Remus wouldn't know what a laptop was, they weren't invented yet. I overlooked that little detail. I'm only 13, I don't know about that. But I should've researched it more.  
  


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

One extremely hot day in July, James, Sirius, Remus, and Peter were all sitting in James' room, complaining about how bored they were.  
  
Sirius: I'm bored.  
Everyone else: *glaring* We KNOW.  
Sirius: I wanna DO something! I know! How 'bout we go tap-dance on a grand piano!  
Everyone else: *looks at Sirius weirdly*  
James: You don't know HOW to tap-dance, Padfoot.  
Sirius: *sadly* Oh yeah. *cheering up* How about we…  
  
While Sirius was busy spouting off strange, weird, crazy, inane things to do, the other three Marauders were busy looking at a blue, swirling thing that had suddenly appeared on the wall behind Sirius.   
  
Remus: *interrupting Sirius* Uh, James? Did your room always have a blue, swirling thing on the wall behind Sirius?  
James: Nope. Let's go see what it is!  
  
The other Marauders agreed out of curiosity and sheer boredom. However, just as they stood up to walk to the wall, something came out of the blue, swirling thing. The something was a girl with long dark blond hair, green eyes, a tight dark red short-sleeved shirt that said "Abercrombie Sugar Fox" in sparkly white letters, jeans, and black high-heeled clog shoes on. She looked to be between 14 and 16 and was clutching five books and a briefcase-like thing. After looking around the room for a second, her eyes alighting on the boys, she grinned and walked over to them.   
  
Girl: Hey!  
James: Um… hi? Do we know you? Who are you? And why did you just come out of a blue, swirling vortex thingy on my bedroom wall?  
Girl: My name is Katie. I was looking for you guys. I have some books I want you to read.  
Remus: What books? And why exactly did you come out of a vortex thingy? Why not coming in through the door like a normal person? And _what_ is that briefcase-like thing?  
Katie: Jeez, not so many questions! You'll see what books. I think you'll find them… interesting… And I came out of the vortex because I felt like it. Bite me. And this is a laptop. It's a mini-computer, which is a... actually it's kinda hard to explain. You'll see what it does in a minute.  
Peter: Why did you come looking for *us*? I mean, why are we so special?  
Katie: *smirks* Well, I can come wherever I want, last time I checked, and you can't do anything to stop me. Nothing at all.  
Sirius: Um… ok… That was random…  
Katie: Look who's talking, Mr. Let's-do-random-inane-things-that-make-no-sense. And yes, I am random. If you've got a problem with that, too bad for you, 'cuz I'm not leaving. And I'm going to summon up Lily now, if you don't mind. Or if you do mind, it doesn't really matter.  
James: Lily?! Lily EVANS?!  
Katie: Yep. Do you have a problem with that?  
James: Well, yes I do, actually. You can NOT summon Evans in here.  
Katie: Oh, shut up. I know you really like Lily. A lot. As in, you love her. And I'll do what I bloody well please to, thank you very much. And just to make sure you don't interfere… *Katie gets out her laptop and opens a saved document and types 'The Marauders suddenly discover they can't move.'*  
James: *paralyzed except for his mouth* Unparalyze me right now!  
Katie: Nope.  
Sirius: Pwease? Pwetty pwetty pwease?  
Katie: Nope. However, I *may* release Remus and Peter because they are not begging. *glares at James and Sirius*  
James: *glaring at Katie* Bitch.  
Katie: *beaming* I know. Isn't it wonderful? I'm a Slytherin at heart, you know. Now, all of you shut up while I get Lils. *Katie types something on her computer and Lily Evans appears, looking slightly confused*  
Lily: Wha-? How the hell did I end up in Potter's house? I was in my room reading one moment, and then the next I end up HERE!  
Katie: Hi, I'm Katie. You're here because I brought you here.  
Lily: Um… ok… you're weird, you know that?  
Katie: *beaming again* I know I'm weird. I'm proud of it, too. And I can do anything to you guys that I want to, because I'm the Author and I'm going to be typing.  
Everybody except Katie: *blinks* Um… if you say so…  
Katie: I do. Now, I suppose, I'll unparalyze Remus and Peter. *she types some more on her laptop and Remus and Peter can move* Now can we get reading?  
James: What about us?  
Katie: What about you?  
Lily: I'm not even gonna ask… ^_^;  
Katie: Don't. Trust me. Anyway, d'ya wanna read? *gives Lily the PoA book*  
Lily: *looks at the title and has a double take* Potter, do you have a Harry Potter in your family?  
James: I don't think so. Katie, let me go!  
Katie: *giggles* Fine. *she types more on the laptop and James and Sirius are free* Now, somebody, READ! I can't, I'm the Author and I'm going to be typing.   
Lily: I'll read it. I have a question, though: why does it say it was published in 1999?  
Katie: Erm… because it was?  
Everybody except Katie: O_O  
  
**Chapter One: Owl Post**  
  
**Harry Potter was a highly unusual boy in many ways.**  
  
James: How unusual can he get? We're all unusual. Sirius is, at least.  
Sirius: Hey!  
  
**For one thing, he hated the summer holidays more than any other time of year.**  
  
Remus: Does that answer your question, James?  
Sirius: Why would he hate the summer holidays? They're the best part of the year!  
Lily: They can be bad if you spend it with bad people. Not fun, I tell you.   
  
**For another, he really wanted to do his homework**  
  
James: What? That kid _wants_ to do his homework?  
Peter: I'm scared.  
Katie: Aw, Pete, don't be scared. He just happens to be a freak, that's all.  
  
**but was forced to do it in secret, in the dead of night. **  
  
James: WHO HAS BEEN BEING MEAN TO MY RELATIVE??? *growls*  
  
**And he also happened to be a wizard.**  
  
Sirius: That's not _that_ strange. We're _all_ wizards. Well, not Lily. Or Katie.  
Lily: Glad you noticed that, Black. And it's strange if you live with Muggles, if you're a witch or a wizard.  
  
**It was nearly midnight, and he was lying on his stomach in bed, the blankets drawn right over his head like a tent, a flashlight**  
  
James/Sirius/Remus/Peter: What?  
Katie: A Muggle light-emitting object.  
  
**in one hand and a large leather-bound book (_A History of Magic_ by Bathilda Bagshot) propped open against the pillow. Harry moved the tip of his eagle-feather quill down the page, frowning as he looked for something that would help him write his essay, "Witch Burning in the Fourteenth Century Was Completely Pointless – discuss."**  
  
Remus: I remember that essay! I got an 'Outstanding' on it.   
Sirius: You would.  
  
**The quill paused at the top of a likely-looking paragraph. Harry pushed his round glasses up the bridge of his nose, moved his flashlight closer to the book, and read:  
  
_Non-magic people (more commonly known as Muggles) were particularly afraid of magic in medieval times, but not very good at recognizing it. On the rare occasion that they did catch a real witch or wizard, burning had no effect whatsoever. The witch or wizard would perform a basic Flame Freezing Charm and then pretend to shriek with pain while enjoying a gentle, tickling sensation. Indeed, Wendelin the Weird enjoyed being burned so much that she allowed herself to be caught no less than forty-seven times in various disguises._**  
  
Katie: That sounds fun, actually.  
Remus: Oh God, you sound like Sirius.  
Sirius: And that's a bad thing?  
  
**Harry put his quill between his teeth and reached underneath his pillow for his ink bottle and a roll of parchment. Slowly and very carefully he unscrewed the ink bottle, dipped his quill into it, and began to write, pausing every now and then to listen, because if any of the Dursleys heard the scratching of his quill on their way to the bathroom, he'd probably find himself locked in the cupboard under the stairs for the rest of the summer.**  
  
Lily: Who would do that? Lock a child in a cupboard just because he had to do his homework? That's child abuse!  
Katie: Get used to it, hun, it gets worse.  
  
**The Dursley family of number four, Privet Drive,**  
  
Sirius: Can we stalk them now? Please?  
Lily: NO.  
Sirius: Aww, why not?  
Lily: One, because it's a stupid thing to do and two, because the Dursleys don't live there now, another family does.   
Katie: Yeah. Listen to the voice of reason. *points to Lily*  
  
**was the reason that Harry never enjoyed his summer holidays.**  
  
Lily: See, I told you that they can be bad if you're with bad people.  
  
**Uncle Vernon, Aunt Petunia,**  
  
Lily: *paling* My sister's name is Petunia… and she's dating a guy named Vernon Dursley…  
Sirius: *cracking up* Harry's last name is Potter…. And Petunia is his aunt…  
James: *smacks Sirius upside the head*  
Sirius: Ow! I was just stating the obvious! *pouts*  
Lily: Ugh! I get married to that bullying toerag? Kill me now and spare me!  
James: Hey!  
  
**and their son, Dudley,**  
  
Remus: Who the heck would name their kid _Dudley?_   
Lily: Petunia would.  
  
**were Harry's only living relatives.**  
  
James/Lily: *gulp*  
  
**They were Muggles, and they had a very medieval attitude toward magic.**  
  
Lily: Oooooooooo, yeah, they hate me for being a witch.  
  
**Harry's dead parents,**  
  
Everybody: O_O  
James/Lily: DEAD?!  
  
**who had been a witch and a wizard themselves, were never mentioned under the Dursleys' roof. **  
  
James/Lily: Hmph.  
Peter: You guys are really scaring me.  
Katie: *typing furiously on the computer* You're not the only one, Petey.  
Peter: Don't call me that.  
  
**For years, Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon had hoped that if they kept Harry as downtrodden as possible, they would be able to squash the magic out of him. To their fury, they had been unsuccessful.**  
  
Remus: Obviously. You can't "squash" the magic out of a magical person.  
Lily: Oh, remind me to kill Petunia when I get back home.  
  
**These days they lived in terror of anyone finding out that Harry had spent most of the last two years at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. The most they could do, however, was to lock away Harry's spellbooks, wand, cauldron, and broomstick at the start of the summer break, and forbid him to talk to the neighbors.**  
  
James: *sarcastically* Oh, that's nice.   
  
**This separation from his spellbooks had been a real problem for Harry, because his teachers at Hogwarts had given him a lot of holiday work. **  
  
Sirius: I can relate to that. I mean, McGonagall alone gave us *four* essays!  
Lily: It's for your own good, you know.  
Sirius: Shut up, bookworm.  
  
**One of the essays, a particularly nasty one about shrinking potions, was for Harry's least favorite teacher, Professor Snape,**  
  
James: HIM? Dumbledore must be off his rocker!  
Sirius: He's practically a Death Eater, and he's only 16!  
Lily: Oh, come on. He's not that bad.  
  
**who would be delighted to have an excuse to give Harry detention for a month.**  
  
Lily: Oh, he's gonna pay now.  
Peter: *backs away slowly. yes, again.*  
  
**Harry had therefore seized his chance in the first week of the holidays. While Uncle Vernon, Aunt Petunia, and Dudley had gone out into the front garden to admire Uncle Vernon's new company car (in very loud voices, so that the rest of the street would notice it too), Harry had crept downstairs, picked the lock on the cupboard under the stairs, grabbed some of his books, and hidden them in his bedroom. As long as he didn't leave spots of ink on the sheets, the Dursleys need never now that he was studying magic by night. Sirius: Go Harry! Harry was particularly keen to avoid trouble with his aunt and uncle at the moment, as they were already in an especially bad mood with him, all because he'd received a telephone call from a fellow wizard one week into the school vacation.**  
  
Lily: That's not going to be good.  
James: Why not? And what's a telephone?  
Lily: Don't you pay attention in Muggle Studies?  
James: *interrupting* Nope.  
Lily: *continuing, rolling her eyes* A telephone is a Muggle communication device, and it's not good because Harry's friend is most likely a pureblood, otherwise Vernon wouldn't have gotten so pissed at Harry.  
  
**Ron Weasley, who was one of Harry's best friends at Hogwarts, came from a whole family of wizards. **  
  
Lily: I told you so.  
James: Hmph. Shut it, Evans.  
Katie: Honestly, you two are still on last name terms? You guys are gonna get married, and are still gonna be calling each other 'Potter' and 'Evans', even though Lily will be Lily Potter, not Lily Evans.  
  
**This meant that he knew a lot of things Harry didn't, but had never used a telephone before. Most unluckily, it had been Uncle Vernon who had answered the call.**  
  
Sirius: *wincing* That can't be good.  
  
**"Vernon Dursley speaking."  
  
Harry, who happened to be in the room at the time, froze as he heard Ron's voice answer.  
  
"HELLO? HELLO? CAN YOU HEAR ME? I – WANT – TO – TALK – TO – HARRY – POTTER!"**  
  
Lily: Uh-oh. You aren't supposed to shout on a phone.  
  
**Ron was yelling so loudly that Uncle Vernon jumped and held the receiver a foot away from his ear, staring at it with an expression of mingled fury and alarm.  
  
"WHO IS THIS?" he roared in the direction of the mouthpiece. "WHO ARE YOU?"  
  
"RON – WEASLEY!" Ron bellowed back, as though he and Uncle Vernon were speaking from opposite ends of a football field. "I'M – A – FRIEND – OF – HARRY'S – FROM – SCHOOL –"  
  
Uncle Vernon's small eyes swiveled around to Harry, who was rooted to the spot.  
  
"THERE IS NO HARRY POTTER HERE!" he roared, now holding the receiver at arm's length, as though frightened it might explode. "I DON'T KNOW WHAT SCHOOL YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT! NEVER CONTACT ME AGAIN! DON'T YOU COME NEAR MY FAMILY!"  
  
And he threw the receiver back onto the telephone as if dropping a poisonous spider.**  
  
James: Why would you pick up a poisonous spider in the first place?  
Katie: I wouldn't. I've got arachnophobia. And don't even THINK about it, Sirius.  
Sirius: *dropping the spider* Awwwwwwwwwwww…  
Katie: *typing on the computer* There, that should teach you. *smirks*  
Remus: Sirius… she just turned you blue…  
  
**The fight that followed had been one of the worst ever.  
  
"HOW DARE YOU GIVE THIS NUMBER TO PEOPLE LIKE – PEOPLE LIKE YOU!" Uncle Vernon had roared, spraying Harry with spit.**  
  
Peter: Ewwwwwwwwww…  
James: Lily, how about I help you kill Petunia and Vernon?  
Lily: Be my guest.  
  
**Ron obviously realized that he'd gotten Harry into trouble, because he hadn't called again. Harry's other best friend from Hogwarts, Hermione Granger, hadn't been in though either. Harry suspected the Ron had warned Hermione not to call, which was a pity, because Hermione, the cleverest witch in Harry's year, had Muggle parents, knew perfectly well how to use a telephone, and would probably have had enough sense not to say that she went to Hogwarts.**  
  
James: Well, it's nice to know that at least one of his friends has some common sense.  
  
**So Harry had had no word from any of his wizarding friends for five long weeks, and this summer was turning out to almost as bad as the last one. There was just one very small improvement – after swearing that he wouldn't use her to send letters to any of his friends, Harry had been allowed to let his owl, Hedwig, out at night. Uncle Vernon had given in because of all the racket Hedwig made if she was locked in her cage all the time.**  
  
Sirius: Katie, what happened last summer?  
Katie: *throwing CoS at Sirius* Read the first couple of chapters of that.  
Sirius: *groaning* Read? For fun?  
Katie: Yes, for fun. Reading is a leisure activity. And remember, you're already bright blue, I wouldn't make it worse if I were you.  
  
**Harry finished writing about Wendelin the Weird and paused to listen again. The silence in the dark house was broken only by the distant, grunting snores of his enormous cousin, Dudley. _It must be very late_, Harry thought. His eyes were itching with tiredness. Perhaps he'd finish this essay tomorrow night…**  
  
Peter: Now we see a bit of James in him. Lily would never have stopped, no matter how late it was. Not in the summer, anyway.  
  
**He replaced the top of the ink bottle; pulled an old pillowcase from under his bed; put the flashlight, _A History of Magic_, his essay, quill, and ink inside it; got out of bed; and hid the lot under a loose floorboard under his bed.**  
  
Remus: Nice hiding place.  
  
**Then he stood up, stretched, and checked the time on the luminous alarm clock on his bedside table.  
  
It was one o'clock in the morning. Harry's stomach gave a funny jolt. He had been thirteen years old, without realizing it, for a whole hour.**  
  
Sirius: How could anybody not know it was their birthday? I could never forget my birthday!  
Lily: Maybe he has more important things on his mind, Black. Just because you spend your life on a permanent sugar high doesn't mean that everybody else has to get as hyper as you do.  
Katie: It's bad to be on a permanent sugar high?   
  
**Yet another unusual thing about Harry was how little he looked forward to his birthdays. **  
  
Sirius: Your son is weird, Prongs. He doesn't look forward to his birthday?  
Lily: Black, if you don't stop insulting Harry…  
Katie: James, call off the wife, will ya?  
James/Lily: SHUT UP!!!!!!!  
  
**He had never received a birthday card in his life. The Dursleys had completely ignored his last two birthdays, and he had no reason to suppose they would remember this one.**  
  
Lily: Oh, I am SO killing Petunia and Vernon when I see them next. Anybody care to join me?  
Peter: *edges away*  
James: Lily, you're scaring the kids.  
Peter: Shut up.  
  
**Harry walked across the dark room, past Hedwig's large, empty cage, to the open window. He leaned on the sill, the cool night air pleasant on his face after a long time under the blankets. Hedwig had been absent for two nights now. Harry wasn't worried about her: she'd been gone this long before. But he hoped she'd be back soon – she was the only living creature in the house who didn't flinch at the sight of him.**  
  
Remus: Well, this is quite the cheerful book, huh?  
James: They had better start treating him right. Or else.  
Remus: James, what are you going to do to make them? You're going to be dead, remember?  
James: Don't remind me...  
  
**Harry, though still rather small and skinny for his age, had grown a few inches over the last year. His jet-black hair, however, was just as it always had been – stubbornly untidy, whatever he did to it. The eyes behind his glasses were bright green, and on his forehead, clearly visible through his hair, was a thin scar, shaped like a bolt of lightning.**  
  
Sirius: If you needed any further proof that Harry is James and Lily's son, there it is. James' hair, Lily's eyes. Poor guy, he's cursed with that hair.  
James: *whining* It's not my fault that my hair sticks up! Blame my dad!  
Lily: Where'd he get that scar? You only get that if an evil, powerful curse touches you. He would have died if something that bad happened.  
Peter: Where'd you learn that?  
Lily: I _read_, Peter. Amazing, isn't it?  
  
**Of all the unusual things about Harry, this scar was the most extraordinary of all. It was not, as the Dursleys had pretended for ten years, a souvenir of the car crash that had killed Harry's parents,**  
  
James/Lily: Of course it wasn't! We did not bloody die in a bloody car crash!  
Sirius/Remus/Peter: O_O um… *edges away slowly*  
  
**because Lily and James Potter had not died in a car crash.**  
  
James/Lily: That's right.  
  
**They had been murdered, murdered by the most feared Dark wizard for a hundred years, Lord Voldemort.**  
  
Lily: Meep? *jumps into James' lap*  
James: I don't wanna die! And I'm not going to be killed by that bastard!  
Lily: James! Language!  
James: Sorry, mother.  
  
**Harry had escaped from the same attack with nothing more than a scar on his forehead, where Voldemort's curse, instead of killing him, had rebounded upon its originator. Barely alive, Voldemort had fled…**  
  
Sirius: Well, at least he defeated You-Know-Who…  
Katie: *still typing fast on the computer* Call him Voldemort, Sirius. It's just a name. Honestly, in the Muggle world there are people who go around killing other people, like Osama Bin Laden, who planned an attack that killed over 5,000 people at one time, but we at least call him by his name, unlike you guys with Voldemort. (A/N: Can you guys tell I'm American?)  
  
**But Harry had come face-to-face with him at Hogwarts. Remembering their last meeting as he stood at the dark window, Harry had to admit he was lucky even to have reached his thirteenth birthday.**  
  
Lily: Why? Why is he lucky to have reached is thirteenth birthday? Who has been hurting my baby?  
Everybody but James and Lily: Lily, stop it.   
  
**He scanned the starry sky for a sign of Hedwig, perhaps soaring back to him with a dead mouse dangling from her beak, expecting praise.**  
  
Peter: She expects praise for killing a mouse?  
Sirius: Maybe we should feed Peter to the owl! (A/N: Yeah! Let's!)  
Peter: *scowls* Very funny, Siri.  
  
**Gazing absently over the rooftops, it was a few seconds before Harry realized what he was seeing.  
  
Silhouetted against the golden moon, and growing larger every moment, was a large, strangely lopsided creature, and it was flapping in Harry's direction. He stood quite still, watching it sink lower and lower. For a split second he hesitated, his hand on the window latch, wondering whether to slam it shut. **  
  
Sirius: Slam it shut! Shut the window!  
  
**But then the bizarre creature soared over one of the street lamps of Privet Drive, and Harry, realizing what it was, leapt aside.**  
  
Sirius: You should have shut the window! **Through the window soared three owls, two of them holding up the third,**  
  
Sirius: Owls delivering an owl. I've never seen that before. How do three owls fit through one window?  
  
**which appeared to be unconscious.**  
  
Sirius: Who would send Harry a dead owl?  
Remus: I don't think it's dead, Padfoot.  
  
**They landed with a soft _flump_ on Harry's bed, and the middle owl, which was large and gray, keeled over and lay motionless. **  
  
Sirius: See? It's dead! It's motionless!  
Remus: Maybe it's just old or something.  
  
**There was a large package tied to its legs.**  
  
Remus: See? It didn't start out unconscious. It was carrying a package.  
  
**Harry recognized the unconscious owl at once – his name was Errol, and he belonged to the Weasley family.**  
  
Sirius: Somebody sent him a dead owl?!  
Remus: It isn't dead, Sirius!  
  
**Harry dashed to the bed, untied the cords around Errol's legs, took off the parcel, and then carried Errol to Hedwig's cage. Errol opened one bleary eye, gave a feeble hoot of thanks, and began to gulp some water.**  
  
Remus: Told you so.  
  
**Harry turned back to the remaining owls. One of them, the large snowy female, was his own Hedwig. She, too, was carrying a parcel and looked extremely pleased with herself. She gave Harry an affectionate nip with her beak as he removed her burden, then flew across the room to join Errol.**  
  
James: At least he has a nice owl. She seems to like him enough.  
Katie: What I'll never get is why exactly it's a good thing if an owl bites you.  
  
**Harry didn't recognize the third owl, a handsome tawny one, but he knew at once where it had come from, because in addition to a third package, it was carrying a letter bearing the Hogwarts crest. When Harry relieved this owl of its burden, it ruffled its feathers importantly, stretched its wings, and took off through the window into the night.**  
  
Peter: I've never seen an owl act so important.  
Remus: The Hogwarts owls act like that.  
  
**Harry sat down on his bed and grabbed Errol's package, ripped off the brown paper, and discovered a present wrapped in gold, and his first ever birthday card. Fingers trembling slightly, he opened the envelope. Two pieces of paper fell out – a letter and a newspaper clipping.  
  
The clipping had clearly come out of the wizarding newspaper, the Daily Prophet, because the people in the black-and-white picture were moving. Harry picked up the clipping, smoothed it out, and read:  
  


_MINISTRY OF MAGIC EMPLOYEE  
SCOOPS GRAND PRIZE_

  
  
Arthur Weasley, Head of the Misuse of Muggle Artifacts Office at the Ministry of Magic, has won the annual Daily Prophet_ Grand Prize Galleon Draw.  
  
A delighted Mr. Weasley told the _Daily Prophet_, "We will be spending the gold on a summer holiday in Egypt, where our eldest son, Bill, works as a curse breaker for Gringotts Wizarding Bank.  
  
The Weasley family will be spending a month in Egypt, returning for the start of the new school year at Hogwarts, which five of the Weasley children currently attend._  
  
Harry scanned the moving photograph and a grin spread across his face as he saw all nine of the Weasleys waving furiously at him, standing in front of a large pyramid. Plump little Mrs. Weasley; tall, balding Mr. Weasley; six sons; and one daughter, all (thought the black-and-white picture didn't show it) with flaming-red hair. Right in the middle of the picture was Ron, tall and gangling, with his pet rat, Scabbers, on his shoulder and his arm around his little sister, Ginny.  
  
Harry couldn't think of anyone who deserved to win a large pile of gold more than the Weasleys, who were very nice and extremely poor.**  
  
Sirius: *looks offended* What about me? Don't I deserve to win a pile of gold?  
Peter: I like Ron. He's got a pet rat.  
Lily: I hate rats. Eugh.  
Peter: *looks very offended* Excuse me? I can… I mean, I love rats.  
Lily: *muttering* Weirdo.  
  
**He picked up Ron's letter and unfolded it.  
  


_Dear Harry,  
  
Happy birthday!  
  
Look, I'm really sorry about that telephone call. I hope the Muggles didn't give you a hard time. I asked Dad, and he reckons I shouldn't have shouted._

**  
  
Lily: No kidding.   
  
**

_It's amazing here in Egypt. Bill's taken us around all the tombs and you wouldn't believe the curses those old Egyptian wizards put on them. Mum wouldn't let Ginny come in the last one. There were all these mutant skeletons in there, of Muggles who'd broken in and grown extra heads and stuff._

** Sirius: Cool! I want to go in there!  
Lily: You would, Black.  
  
**

I couldn't believe it when Dad won the Daily Prophet Draw. Seven hundred galleons! Most of it's gone on this trip, but they're going to buy me a new wand for next year.

**  
  
James: I wonder why he would need a new wand.  
Peter: Maybe his broke?  
James: Yeah, like yours did in first year?  
Peter: It was an accident! I swear!  
James: *laughing* Yeah. Sure.  
  
**Harry remembered only too well the occasion when Ron's old wand had snapped.**  
  
Peter: I told you so.  
  
**It had happened when the car the two of them had been flying to Hogwarts **  
  
Sirius: I wanna fly a car to Hogwarts! I wanna flying motorcycle!   
Lily: Black, you're one weird person.  
Katie: Nuh-uh, _I'm_ the Resident Weirdo!  
  
**had crashed into a tree on the school grounds.**  
  
Remus: *smirks* Bet it was the Whomping Willow.  
  
**

_We'll be back about a week before term starts and we'll be going up to London to get my wand and our new books. Any chance of meeting you there?  
  
Don't let the Muggles get you down!  
  
Try and come to London,  
  
Ron  
  
P.S. Percy's Head Boy. He got the letter last week.  
  
_

Harry glanced back at the photograph. Percy, who was in his seventh and final year at Hogwarts, was looking particularly smug.**  
  
James: *horrified* D'you think he actually wants to be Head Boy?  
  
**He had pinned his Head Boy badge to the fez perched jauntily on top of his neat hair, his horn-rimmed glasses flashing in the Egyptian sun.  
  
Harry now turned to his present and unwrapped it. Inside was what looked like a miniature glass spinning top. There was another note from Ron beneath it.  
  
_

Harry – this is a Pocket Sneakoscope. If there's someone untrustworthy around, it's supposed to light up and spin. Bill says it's rubbish sold for wizard tourists and isn't reliable, because it kept lighting up at dinner last night. But he didn't realize Fred and George had put beetles in his soup.  
  
Bye – Ron

_** Sirius: Hey, that's something we've never done!  
Lily: Sirius Lee Black! If you so much as think about putting beetles in my soup, there will be more than one murder on my hands – Petunia, Vernon, and you.  
Sirius: Eep.  
  
**Harry put the Pocket Sneakoscope on his bedside table, where it stood quite still, balanced on its point, **  
  
Peter: Don't you think that it would spin with the Dursleys in the house?  
  
**reflecting the luminous hands of his clock. He looked at it happily for a few seconds, then picked up the parcel Hedwig had brought.  
  
Inside this, too, there was a wrapped present, a card, and a letter, this time from Hermione.  
  
_

Dear Harry,  
  
Ron wrote to me and told me about his phone call to your Uncle Vernon. I do hope you're all right.  
  
I'm on holiday on France at the moment and I didn't know how I was going to send this to you – what if they'd opened it at customs? – but then Hedwig turned up! I think she wanted to make sure you got something for your birthday for a change. I bought your present by owl-order; there was an advertisement in the Daily Prophet (I've been getting it delivered; it's so good to keep up with what's going on in the wizarding world). Did you see that picture of Ron and his family a week ago? I bet he's learning loads. I'm really jealous – the ancient Egyptian wizards were fascinating.   
  
There's some interesting local history of witchcraft here, too. I've rewritten my whole History of Magic essay to include some of the things I've found out. I hope it's not too long – it's two rolls of parchment more than Professor Binns asked for.

_**  
  
James: Talk about an overachiever.   
Lily: James Potter, just because you don't care about homework or grades, does not mean that other people do not care. She just doesn't want to get a bad grade.  
James: Whatever, Lily.  
  
**_

Ron says he's going to be in London in the last week of the holidays. Can you make it? Will your aunt and uncle let you come? I really hope you can. If not, I'll see you on the Hogwarts Express on September first!  
  
Love from Hermione  
  
P.S. Ron says Percy's Head Boy. I'll bet Percy's really pleased. Ron doesn't seem to happy about it.  
  


_ ****Harry laughed as he put Hermione's letter aside and picked up her present. It was very heavy. Knowing Hermione, he was sure it would be a large book full of very difficult spells **  
  
Sirius: Can you say, "Resident Bookworm"?  
Lily/Katie: Since when is being a bookworm bad?  
  
**– but it wasn't. His heart gave a huge bound as he ripped back the paper and saw a sleek black leather case, with silver words stamped across it, reading Broomstick Servicing Kit.**  
  
James: *sniffles melodramatically, wiping away an imaginary tear* My son likes Quidditch and flying. I have taught him well.  
  
**"Wow, Hermione!" Harry whispered, unzipping the case to look inside.  
  
There was a large jar of Fleetwood's High Finish Handle Polish, a pair of gleaming silver Tail-Twig Clippers, a tiny brass compass to clip on your broom for long journeys, and a Handbook of Do-It-Yourself Broomcare.**  
  
James: Not fair. I want one of those.  
  
**Apart from his friends, the thing that Harry missed most about Hogwarts was Quidditch,**  
  
James: See? He really is daddy's boy.  
  
**the most popular sport in the magical world**  
  
Katie: Not in America. Quodpot is much better.  
James: Quidditch is.  
Katie: Quodpot.  
James: Quidditch.  
Katie: Quodpot.  
James: Quidditch.  
Lily: Come on, break it up. All games on broomstick are awful.  
James/Katie: Are not!  
  
**– highly dangerous, very exciting, and played on broomsticks. Harry happened to be a very good Quidditch player; he had been the youngest player in a century to be picked for one of the Hogwarts House teams. **  
  
Everybody except Katie: He got picked in first year?  
Katie: Yep! ^_^  
  
**One of Harry's most prized possessions was his Nimbus Two Thousand racing broom.**  
  
Sirius: I want one of those!  
Katie: It's not out yet, _baka_.  
Lily: *laughing* I didn't know you knew Japanese!  
Katie: I don't. I know *counts on her fingers* something like seven words in Japanese. Oh, and I can say 'My dog is very cute'. Je parle Français.  
Lily: Erm… I don't.  
  
**Harry put the leather case aside and picked up his last parcel. He recognized the untidy scrawl on the brown paper at once: this was from Hagrid, the Hogwarts gamekeeper. **  
  
Lily: He's still the gamekeeper? He has to be, what, 63, 64 years old?  
Katie: Yep, he's still there, and in top condition too.  
  
**He tore off the top layer of paper and glimpsed something green and leathery, but before he could unwrap it properly, the parcel gave a strange quiver, and whatever was inside it snapped loudly – as though it had jaws.**  
  
James: I thought we had cured Hagrid of the habit!  
Sirius: Apparently not.  
  
**Harry froze. He knew that Hagrid would never send him anything dangerous on purpose, but then, Hagrid didn't have a normal person's view on what was dangerous. Hagrid had been known to befriend giant spiders, buy vicious, three headed dogs from men in pubs, and sneak illegal dragon eggs into his cabin.**  
  
Sirius: Sounds like Hagrid got the dragon he wanted, then.  
Lily: I hope poor Harry didn't have to face any of those creatures!  
Katie: Sorry to burst your bubble, Lils, but he had to face all three of them. Plus, in his next year, he has to face a fully-grown mother Hungarian Horntail in the Triwizard Tournament, in which he was entered without actually him entering, and he was the fourth champion in.  
Lily: Um… right… he had to face dragons?  
  
**Harry poked the parcel nervously. It snapped loudly again. Harry reached for the lamp on his bedside table, gripped it firmly in one hand, and raised it over his head, ready to strike. Then he seized the rest of the wrapping paper in his other hand and pulled.**  
  
Sirius: Kinda stupid thing to do, huh?  
  
**And out fell – a book. Harry just had time to register its handsome green cover, emblazoned with the golden title _The Monster Book of Monsters_, before it flipped onto its edge and scuttled sideways along the bed like some weird crab.**  
  
James: Uh-oh.  
  
**"Uh-oh," Harry muttered.**  
  
Everybody but James: *gives James a weird look*  
  
**The book toppled off the bed with a loud clunk and shuffled rapidly across the room. Harry followed it stealthily. The book was hiding in the dark space under his desk. Praying that the Dursleys were still fast asleep, Harry got down on his hands and knees and reached toward it.**  
  
Katie: That's not a good place to have to get things out from. I know from experience, once I was pet-sitting my friend's guinea pig and it escaped. I happened to have the door out of the room closed, thank goodness, but it went under my desk. I managed to get bitten several times before actually catching it. (A/N: Sally, part of that is true… Nibbles did get away for about five seconds when I was holding him… and he did go under my desk… but I didn't get bitten or anything… and nobody was hurt…. Including Nibbles…)  
  
**"Ouch!"**  
  
Katie: Told you so.  
  
**The book snapped shut on his hand and then flapped past him, still scuttling on his covers. Harry scrambled around, threw himself forward, and managed to flatten it. Uncle Vernon gave a loud, sleepy grunt in the room next door.**  
  
Remus: Don't wake up, don't wake up!  
  
**Hedwig and Errol watched interestedly as Harry clamped the struggling book tightly in his arms, hurried to his chest of drawers, and pulled out a belt, which he buckled tightly around it. **  
  
Sirius: Well, that shows that he's able to think in a tight situation. Must have gotten that from Lily.  
James: Hey!  
  
The _Monster Book_ shuddered angrily, but could no longer flap and snap, so Harry threw it down on the bed and reached for Hagrid's card.   
  
**_

Dear Harry,  
Happy birthday!  
Think you might find this useful for next year.   
Won't say no more here. Tell you when I see you.  
Hope the Muggles are treating you right.  
All the best,  
Hagrid

_**  
  
James: Kinda ominous that he gets sent a biting book and then told it'll be useful, isn't it?  
  
**It struck Harry as ominous that Hagrid thought a biting book would come in useful, **  
  
Everybody but James: *stares at James, then backs away slightly*  
  
**but he put Hagrid's card up next to Ron's and Hermione's, grinning more broadly than ever. Now there was only the letter from Hogwarts left.  
  
Noticing it was rather thicker than usual, **  
  
Peter: Hey, third years are allowed to go to Hogsmeade!  
Sirius: Oh yeah! I had forgotten!  
  
**Harry slit open the envelope, pulled out the first page of parchment within, and read:  
  


_Dear Mr. Potter,  
  
Please note that the new school year will begin on September the first. The Hogwarts Express will leave from King's Cross station, platform nine and three-quarters, at eleven o'clock.   
  
Third years are permitted to visit the village of Hogsmeade on certain weekends. Please give the enclosed permission form to your parent or guardian to sign.  
  
A list of books for next year is enclosed.  
  
Yours sincerely,  
Professor M. McGonagall  
Deputy Headmistress  
_

  
Harry pulled out the Hogsmeade permission form and looked at it, no longer grinning.**  
  
Lily: No wonder the poor boy's not smiling, my bitch of a sister and the bastard of her husband would never sign that permission slip.  
James: Language, Lily!  
Lily: *jokingly* Shut the hell up, Potter.   
  
**It would be wonderful to visit Hogsmeade on weekends; he knew it was an entirely wizarding village, and he had never set foot there. But how on earth was he going to persuade Uncle Vernon or Aunt Petunia to sign the form?**  
  
Sirius: Threaten to Transfigure them if they don't!  
James: Tie them up and force them to!  
Katie: *looking at Lily* How do you stand them?  
Lily: I don't.   
  
**He looked over at the alarm clock. It was now two o'clock in the morning.**  
  
Sirius: Your kid stays up late, James.  
Lily: *clears thoat*  
Sirius: And Lily.  
Katie: Two in the morning? That's not late! I _always_ stay up later than that. I feel sorry for you at Hogwarts, you can't stay up that long!  
  
**Deciding that he'd worry about the Hogsmeade form when he woke up, Harry got back into bed and reached up to cross off another day on the chart he'd made for himself, counting down the days left until his return to Hogwarts.**  
  
Sirius: He must be really desperate to get back to school. Normally, I'm counting down the days I have left so I can savor them.  
Lily: Well, he lives with my bitch of a sister, what else can you expect?  
Sirius: Oh yeah. I forgot.  
Lily: *muttering* _Baka_.  
  
**Then he took off his glasses and lay down eyes open, facing his three birthday cards.**  
  
Lily: That's just plain evil! Only three birthday cards in his whole life?! I got more than that on my first birthday alone!  
  
**Extremely unusual though he was, at that moment Harry Potter felt just like everyone else – glad, for the first time in his life, that it was his birthday.**  
  
Lily: That's the end of the first chapter. That was… interesting…  
Katie: Yeah. It's probably more fun for me to read than you, because I'm not finding out that I'm gonna die.   
James: Well… yeah… probably…  
Sirius: You know what I want to know? Where are Peter, Remus, and I? I mean, wouldn't we be, like, godfathers or something? Why is Harry living with Petunia and her family instead of us?  
Katie: All of you have good excuses… well… Sirius does, at least…  
Sirius: What is it?  
Katie: Nope, not telling you.  
Sirius: Why not?  
Katie: Because I say so. I've got to go now, I'll be back tomorrow at the same time, savvy? Tomorrow I have the whole day open after then, so we can read more than one chapter. *she packs up the books and laptop and opens up another blue, swirling vortex and jumps through it, singing "Imma gonna mail myself to you"*   
Everybody Else: O_O Erm…  
Sirius: What was she singing?  
Lily: I don't know. Why don't we get lunch?  
James: OK. *calls down* Mum, we want lunch! And we have another guest!  
  


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

  
  
**A/N:** Whew, d'ya know how hard it is to go thorough the whole 21-in-MSWord thing and insert HTML? My arm is tired. So, anyway, review! 


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer:** Mine! All mine! D'ya hear me? All mine!! Muahahahahahahahahaha! *Lawyers start coming out of the imaginary woodwork* OK, OK! I don't own Harry Potter or any related people, places, things, etc. The (hopefully) bolded stuff is from the book, but I don't know if it'll work. And the starred (*) Christmas carols are from the show 'Almost Live'.   
  
  
**A/N:** In case you were wondering, _baka_ is Japanese for _stupid_, _chibi_ is Japanese for _little_, and _gaki_ is Japanese for _brat_. I think. Correct me if I'm wrong. And this was typed up on Christmas, so there are Christmas references.  
  


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

  
  
The Marauders and Lily were waiting for Katie the next day.   
  
Sirius: I'm bored. When is Katie going to get here? I wanna read more of the books.   
Katie: *walking in through the door to James' bedroom carrying the books, the laptop, and a plate covered in aluminum foil* Aww, you missed me? I'm right here.   
  
Today Katie's wearing a black three-quarter length sleeve shirt and jeans. The shirt is moderately form-fitting, but not overly so. She's got the same shoes on, and today she's wearing dangly, sparkly earrings. (Yep, that's the outfit I'm wearing today!) Today she has hazel eyes.   
  
James: Katie, why do you have eyes today? They were green before.   
Katie: Contacts. Things that make it so you don't have to wear glasses, and that change your eye color This is my natural color, actually. Aren't contacts great? I'm hyper. I made Christmas cookies yesterday! ^_^ I ate a bunch too!   
Sirius: Um… Katie… it's the middle of July… Christmas isn't for another five months…  
Katie: _Here_ it's July. Where _I_ come from, it's Christmas Day. And I made the cutest cookies! And I brought some! *she takes the foil off the plate and there's a bunch of cookies, two kinds: ones with crushed peppermint candies on top, and ones that look like little mice* Can we sing Christmas carols?   
Remus: What about the story?   
Katie: We can do it later. I wanna sing Christmas carols! Here's one of my favorites:   
  


Deck the halls with gasoline,   
Fa la la la la la la la la  
Light a match and blow it clean.   
Fa la la la la la la la la  
Watch the school burn down to ashes,   
Fa la la la la la la la la  
Aren't you glad you played with matches?   
Fa la la la la, Fa la la la la, Fa la la la la la la la la  
  
Isn't it fun?   
Sirius: I like it! Do you know any others?   
Katie: Yep! I only know parts of some songs, though. Here's the first three verses of a well-known Christmas carol. Well, alright, it's changed. A lot. But here it is:   
  
*On the fourth of November, the voters all agreed,   
That it is still illegal to smoke weed!   
On the second amendment, the voters seemed to say,   
No, if you're gay,   
And that it is still illegal to smoke weed!   
On the third proposition, the ballot came to read,   
Guns don't need locks,   
No, if you're gay,   
And that it is still illegal to smoke weed!*   
  
Sirius: What's a gun?   
Lily: A type of metal wand that Muggles use to kill each other.   
Sirius: Oh.   
Peter: Can we get to reading now?   
Katie: *disappointed* Fine. But I still have more Christmas carols.   
Remus: *crunching on a mouse cookie* I'll read this time!   
Katie: *gives him the PoA book*  
  
**

Chapter 2: Aunt Marge's Big Mistake

Harry went down to breakfast the next morning to find the three Dursleys already sitting around the kitchen table. **  
  
Peter: They can actually get up in the morning?   
  
**They were watching a brand-new television, a welcome-home-for-the-summer present for Dudley, who had been complaining loudly about the long walk between the fridge and the television in the living room. **  
  
James: Talk about a spoiled rotten brat.   
Katie: Yep, definitely a _baka chibi gaki._  
Lily: Yep!   
  
**Dudley had spent most of the summer in the kitchen, his piggy little eyes fixed on the screen and his five chins wobbling as he ate continually. **  
  
James: Talk about fat… ew…  
Katie: *nods* Il est très gros. *(Translation: He is very fat.)*   
Remus: Oui, il est. *(Translation: Yes, he is.)*   
Katie: Parlez-vous français, Remus?   
Remus: *grinning* Oui!   
Lily: For us non-bilingual people, can we get back to English?   
Katie: *smirking* Non! *(I'm sure you can figure out what that means, if you can't, it means "No")*   
  
**Harry sat down between Dudley and Uncle Vernon, a large, beefy man with very little neck and a lot of mustache. **  
  
James: Now we see where Dudley gets it from.   
  
**Far from wishing Harry a happy birthday, none of the Dursleys made any sign that they had noticed Harry enter the room, but Harry was far too used to this to care. **  
  
Lily: How dare they?!   
James: Lily, calm down. Wait to explode until you can kill Petunia.   
Lily: *scowls*  
  
**He helped himself to a piece of toast and then looked up at the reporter on the television, who was halfway through a report on an escaped convict:   
  
"…The public is warned that Black is armed and extremely dangerous. A special hot line has been set up, and any sighting of Black should be reported immediately." **  
  
Sirius: Black? As in me? I'm not dangerous! Or armed! Or an escaped convict!   
Peter: *edges away from Sirius*  
Katie: He's not dangerous _now_, Wormtail. You don't need to edge away from him like he's gonna explode.   
  
** "No need to tell us _he's_ no good," snorted Uncle Vernon, staring over the top of his newspaper at the prisoner. "Look at the state of him, the filthy layabout! Look at his hair!" **  
  
Sirius: I take offense! My hair is perfectly fine, thank you very much!   
Katie: *giggling* Did you even comb it this morning, Sirius?   
Sirius: Well… kind of… THAT'S NOT THE POINT!  
  
**He shot a nasty look sideways at Harry, whose untidy hair had always been a source of great annoyance to Uncle Vernon. Compared to the man on the television, however, whose gaunt face was surrounded by a matted, elbow-length tangle, Harry felt very well groomed indeed. **  
  
Sirius: Well, excuuuuuuuuse me. My hair is _not_ matted, nor elbow-length, nor tangled! And Prongs' hair is much worse than mine!   
James: Live in your own fantasies, Padfoot.   
Lily: What's with all the nicknames?   
James: Why shouldn't we have nicknames, Flower?   
Lily: Don't call me that, _Jamie_.  
  
**The reporter had reappeared.   
  
"The Ministry of Agriculture and Fisheries will announce today –"  
  
"Hang on!" barked Uncle Vernon, staring furiously at the reporter. "You didn't tell us where that maniac's escaped from! What use is that? Lunatic could be coming up the street right now!" **  
  
Sirius: Maniac?!   
Katie: How do you know it's even you, Sirius?   
Sirius: I don't. But it's an insult to anybody with the last name of Black. And it's obviously a big part of the book, right? So I'm betting it's me.   
  
**Aunt Petunia, who was bony and horse-faced, whipped around and peered intently out of the kitchen window. Harry knew Aunt Petunia would simply love to be the one to call the hot line number. She was the nosiest woman in the world and spent most of her life spying on the boring, law-abiding neighbors. **  
  
Lily: Yep, 'Tunia's the nosiest person in the world. It gets really annoying when you're trying to talk privately on the telephone.   
Sirius: …telephone?   
  
** "When will they _learn_," said Uncle Vernon, pounding the table with his large purple fist, "that hanging's the only way to deal with these people?" **  
  
Sirius: Hmph!   
  
** "Very true," said Aunt Petunia, who was still squinting into next door's runner beans.   
  
Uncle Vernon drained his teacup, glanced at his watch, and added, "I'd better be off in a minute, Petunia. Marge's train gets in at ten."   
  
Harry, whose thoughts had been upstairs with the Broomstick Servicing Kit, was brought back to the earth with an unpleasant bump.   
  
"Aunt Marge?" he blurted out. "She - _she's_ not coming here, is she?" **  
  
Remus: He doesn't like 'Aunt Marge', huh?   
Katie: Nope!   
  
**Aunt Marge was Uncle Vernon's sister. Even though she was not a blood relative of Harry's (whose mother had been Aunt Petunia's sister), he had been forced to call her "Aunt" all his life. Aunt Marge lived in the country, in a house with a large garden, and she bred bulldogs. She didn't often stay at Privet Drive, because she couldn't bear to leave her precious dogs, but each of her visits stood out horribly in Harry's mind.   
  
At Dudley's fifth birthday party, Aunt Marge had whacked Harry around the shins with her walking stick to stop him from beating Dudley at musical statues. A few years later, she had turned up at Christmas with a computerized robot for Dudley and a box of dog biscuits for Harry. On her last visit, the year before Harry started at Hogwarts, Harry had accidentally trodden on the tail of her favorite dog. Ripper had chased Harry out into the garden and up a tree, and Aunt Marge had refused to call him off until past midnight. The memory of this incident still brought tears of laughter to Dudley's eyes. **  
  
Lily: My poor boy! I've got to kill Marge, then, too.   
Remus: Some people like dog biscuits, you know.   
Everybody except Remus: *stares at Remus*  
Remus: Not me! I don't like them. I read it in a Muggle magazine.   
  
** "Marge'll be here for a week," Uncle Vernon snarled, "and while we're on the subject" – he pointed a fat finger threateningly at Harry – "we need to get a few things straight before I go and collect her."   
  
Dudley smirked and withdrew his faze from the television. Watching Harry being bullied by Uncle Vernon was Dudley's favorite form of entertainment. **  
  
Lily: _Baka chibi gaki_. Doesn't he have anything better to do?   
Katie: Who, Uncle Vernon or Dudley?   
Lily: Both!   
Katie: Apparently not.   
  
** "Firstly," growled Uncle Vernon, "you'll keep a civil tongue in your head when you're talking to Marge."   
  
"All right," said Harry bitterly, "if she does when she's talking to me." **  
  
Peter: All right, Harry! You tell him!   
  
** "Secondly," said Uncle Vernon, acting as though he had not heard Harry's reply, "as Marge doesn't know anything about your _abnormality_, I don't want any – any funny stuff while she's here. You behave yourself, got me?   
  
"I will if she does," said Harry through gritted teeth. **  
  
James: From what they've said about her, I bet she won't.   
Katie: Got it in one.   
** "And thirdly," said Uncle Vernon, his mean little eyes now slits in his great purple face, "we've told Marge you attend St. Brutus's Secure Center for Incurably Criminal Boys." **   
  
James: _WHAT?_  
  
** "_What?_" Harry yelled. **  
  
James: Um… yeah… *looking around* You don't all have to back away because I happen to think like my son does, you know!   
  
** "And you'll be sticking to that story, boy, or there'll be trouble," spat Uncle Vernon. **  
  
Lily: *growls*  
  
**Harry sat there, white faced and furious, staring at Uncle Vernon, hardly able to believe it. Aunt Marge coming for a week-long visit – it was the worst birthday present the Dursleys had ever given him, including that pair of Uncle Vernon's old socks. **  
  
Katie: You know, socks are useful. Just ask Dumbledore. He likes socks.   
Sirius: Er… right. And how do you know that?   
Katie: *throws SS (or PS, depending on what country) at Sirius* It says in there.   
  
** "Well, Petunia," said Uncle Vernon, getting heavily to his feet, "I'll be off to the station, then. Want to come along for the ride, Dudders?" **  
  
Sirius: *cracking up* Dudders? How does he stand it?   
  
** "No," said Dudley, whose attention had returned to the television now that Uncle Vernon had finished threatening Harry.   
  
"Duddy's got to make himself smart for his auntie," said Aunt Petunia, smoothing Dudley's think blond hair. "Mummy's bought him a lovely new bow tie." **  
  
James: It'd take more than a bow tie to make Dudley look smart.   
  
**Uncle Vernon clapped Dudley on his porky shoulder.   
  
"See you in a bit, then," he said, and he left the kitchen.   
  
Harry, who had been sitting in kind of a horrified trance, had a sudden idea. Abandoning his toast, he got quickly to his feet and followed Uncle Vernon to the front door.   
  
Uncle Vernon was pulling on his car coat.   
  
"I'm not taking _you_," he snarled as he turned to see Harry watching him. **  
  
Lily: DO NOT TALK TO MY SON THAT WAY!   
  
** "Like I wanted to come," said Harry coldly. "I want to ask you something."   
  
Uncle Vernon eyed him suspiciously.   
  
"Third years at Hog – at my school are allowed to visit the village sometimes," said Harry. **  
  
Peter: Hey, he has a good idea!   
Katie: Peter, do you even know what the idea is?   
Peter: Well… no… but I know it's good!   
Katie: *sighs and rolls her eyes*  
  
** "So?" snapped Uncle Vernon, taking his car keys from a hook next to the door.   
  
"I need you to sign the permission form," said Harry in a rush.   
  
"And why should I do that?" sneered Uncle Vernon?   
  
"Well," said Harry, choosing his words carefully, "it'll be hard work, pretending to Aunt Marge I go to that St. Whatsits – "**  
  
Katie: And _that_, Peter, is his plan.   
Peter: I still don't get it.   
Katie: *to the others* Is he always like this?   
Remus: Yup.   
Peter: Hey!   
  
** "St. Brutus's Secure Center for Incurably Criminal Boys!" bellowed Uncle Vernon, and Harry was pleased to hear a definite note of panic in Uncle Vernon's voice.   
  
"Exactly," said Harry, looking calmly up into Uncle Vernon's large, purple face. "It's a lot to remember. I'll have to make it sound convincing, won't I? What if I accidentally let something slip?"   
  
_"You'll get the stuffing knocked out of you, won't you?"_ roared Uncle Vernon, advancing on Harry with his fist raised. But Harry stood his ground. **  
  
Lily: _HOW DARE YOU??????????_  
James: Lils. Calm down.   
  
** "Knocking the stuffing out of me won't make Aunt Marge forget what I could tell her," he said grimly.   
  
Uncle Vernon stopped, his fist still raised, his face an ugly puce. **  
  
Katie: What color exactly is puce?   
Remus: A really ugly green.   
Katie: His face is green.   
Remus: Seems like it, doesn't it?   
  
** "But if you sign my permission form," Harry went on quickly, "I swear I'll remember where I'm supposed to go to school, and I'll act like a Mug – like I'm normal and everything." **  
  
Katie: _Now_ do you get it, Peter?   
Peter: Yep!   
Katie: Finally!   
  
**Harry could tell that Uncle Vernon was thinking it over, even if his teeth were bared and a vein was throbbing in his temple. **  
  
Sirius: His teeth are bared? What is he, a dog?   
  
** "Right," he snapped finally. "I shall monitor your behavior carefully during Marge's visit. If, at the end of it, you've toed the line and kept to the story, I'll sign your ruddy form."   
  
He wheeled around, pulled open the front door, and slammed it so hard that one of the little panes of glass at the top fell out. **  
  
James: Tsk tsk tsk. Overly violent.   
  
**Harry didn't return to the kitchen. He went back upstairs to his bedroom. If he was going to act like a real Muggle, he'd better start now. Slowly and sadly he gathered up all his presents and his birthday cards and hid them under the loose floorboard with his homework. **  
  
Peter: Why does he have to hide his birthday cards?   
Remus: I don't know. Maybe he's not allowed to have friends.   
  
**Then he went to Hedwig's cage. Errol seemed to have recovered; **  
  
Sirius: You can't recover if you're dead.   
Remus: Sirius, for the last time, _Errol wasn't, and isn't, dead!_  
Sirius: There's no need to take that tone with me, young man!   
Katie: *cracking up* My God, Sirius, you sound like my mom when she's mad at my brothers!   
  
**he and Hedwig were both asleep, heads under their wings. Harry sighed, then poked them both awake. **  
  
Katie: *running around and poking people* Poke! Poke! Poke! *(Yes, I do go around and poke people. And I pull my friend's hair and say 'poke' too.)*   
  
** "Hedwig," he said gloomily, "you're gong to have to clear off for a week. Go with Errol. Ron'll look after you. I'll write him a note, explaining. And don't look at me like that" – Hedwig's large amber eyes were reproachful – "it's not my fault. It's the only way I'll be allowed to visit Hogsmeade with Ron and Hermione.   
  
Ten minutes later, Errol and Hedwig (who had a note to Ron bound to her leg) soared out of the window and out of sight. Harry, now feeling thoroughly miserable, put the empty cage away inside the wardrobe.   
  
But Harry didn't have long to brood. In next to no time, Aunt Petunia was shrieking up the stairs for Harry to come down and get ready to welcome their guest.   
  
"Do something about your hair!" Aunt Petunia snapped as he reached the hall. **  
  
James: There's no point in trying to make this hair go flat. It just sticks up.   
  
**Harry couldn't see the point of trying to make his hair lie flat. Aunt Marge loved criticizing him, so the untidier he looked, the happier she would be.   
  
All too soon, there was a crunch of gravel outside as Uncle Vernon's car pulled back into the driveway, then the clunk of the car doors and footsteps on the garden path.   
  
"Get the door!" Aunt Petunia hissed at Harry. **  
  
Lily: Why don't you get it, you old bat?   
  
**A feeling of great gloom in his stomach, Harry pulled the door open.   
  
On the threshold stood Aunt Marge. She was very like Uncle Vernon: large, beefy, and purple-faced, she even had a mustache, though not as bushy as his. **  
  
Peter: Ugh. She must look awful. Why would she want a mustache?   
Katie: Because she's incredibly stupid?   
**In one hand she held an enormous suitcase, and tucked under the other was an old and evil-tempered bulldog.   
  
"Where's my Dudders?" roared Aunt Marge. "Where's my neffy-poo?" **  
  
Everyone: *cracks up*  
  
**Dudley came waddling down the hall, his blond hair plastered flat to his fat head, a bow tie just visible under his many chins. **  
  
Sirius: _That's_ supposed to make him look smart?   
  
**Aunt Marge thrust the suitcase into Harry's stomach, knocking the wind out of him, **  
  
Lily: DON'T DO THAT TO MY SON!   
  
**seized Dudley in a tight one-armed hug, and planted a large kiss on his cheek.   
  
Harry knew perfectly well that Dudley only put up with Aunt Marge's hugs because he was well paid for it, and sure enough, when they broke apart, Dudley had a crisp twenty-pound note clutched in his fat fist. **  
  
James: A twenty-pound note? Who would want something that heavy?   
Lily: It's a form of Muggle currency, James.   
Katie: _English_ Muggle currency. In America, we have dollars and cents instead of pounds and pence. And in Japan, they have yen, and I forgot what all the other countries have. Oh, and in France they have francs.   
  
** "Petunia!" shouted Aunt Marge, striding past Harry as though he was a hat stand. Aunt Marge and Aunt Petunia kissed, **  
  
Peter: Ewwwww.   
Katie: *holding her head and muttering* Bad mental pictures, bad mental pictures. This reminds me of when Madonna and Britney Spears kissed. Ugh.   
Remus: I'm not going to ask…   
  
**or rather, Aunt Marge bumped her large jaw against Aunt Petunia's bony cheekbone. **  
  
Lily: Well, at least they didn't really _kiss_.  
Katie: Thank goodness, it would be horrible if they did. *muttering* Don't even think about it, Katie, don't think about it, don't think about it…  
  
**Uncle Vernon now came in, smiling jovially as he shut the door.   
  
"Tea, Marge?" he said. "And what will Ripper take?"   
  
"Ripper can have some tea out of my saucer," said Aunt Marge **  
  
James: The _dog_ gets treated better than Harry does?   
Lily: *breathing heavily* Petunia's going to _pay_.  
  
**as they all proceeded into the kitchen, leaving Harry alone in the hall with the suitcase. But Harry wasn't complaining, any excuse not to be with Aunt Marge was fine by him, so he began to heave the case upstairs into the spare bedroom, taking as long as he could. **  
  
Sirius: Smart boy. Must have gotten it from his mother.   
  
**By the time he got back to the kitchen, Aunt Marge had been supplied with tea and fruitcake, **  
  
Katie: Yuck. Fruitcake. I got candy today in my stocking! ^_^  
  
**and Ripper was lapping noisily in the corner. Harry saw Aunt Petunia wince slightly as specks of tea and drool flecked her clean floor. Aunt Petunia hated animals. **  
  
Lily: Haha!   
  
** "Who's looking after the other dogs, Marge?' Uncle Vernon asked.   
  
"Oh, I've got Colonel Fubster managing them," boomed Aunt Marge. "He's retired now, good for him to have something to do. But I couldn't leave poor old Ripper. He pines if he's away from me." **  
  
James: Who would pine for _her? _  
Peter: Not me!   
  
**Ripper began to growl again as Harry sat down. This directed Aunt Marge's attention to Harry for the first time.   
  
"So!" she barked. "Still here, are you?"   
  
"Yes," said Harry. **  
  
Lily: Unfortunately. Almost _anywhere_ would have been better.   
Katie: Not really. I mean, they don't really abuse him or anything, they just neglect him. You'd be surprised at the number of people who are badly abused when they're kids. Or when they're adults.   
  
** "Don't say 'yes' in that ungrateful tone," Aunt Marge growled. "It's damn good of Vernon and Petunia to keep you. Wouldn't have done it myself. You'd have gone straight to an orphanage if you'd been dumped on _my_ doorstep." **  
  
Lily: An orphanage would have been better!   
  
**Harry was bursting to say that he'd rather leave in an orphanage than with the Dursleys, but the thought of the Hogsmeade form stopped him. He forced his face into a painful smile.   
  
"Don't you smirk at me!" boomed Aunt Marge. "I can see you haven't improved since I last saw you. I hoped school would knock some manners into you." **  
  
Remus: _She's_ the one who needs manners to be knocked into her! Harry's perfectly polite!   
  
**She took a large gulp of tea, wiped her mustache, and said, "Where is it that you send him, again, Vernon?"   
  
"St. Brutus's," said Uncle Vernon promptly. "It's a first-rate institution for hopeless cases." **  
  
Lily: My son is _not a hopeless case!_  
  
** "I see," said Aunt Marge. "Do they use the cane at St. Brutus's, boy?" she barked across the table.   
  
"Er – "  
  
Uncle Vernon nodded curtly behind Aunt Marge's back.   
  
"Yes," said Harry. Then, feeling he might as well do the thing properly, he added, "all the time." **  
  
Lily: Argh! He should _not_ have to pretend that he gets beaten at his school!   
Katie: Well, you know, he does get a fair amount of injuries at school. Last year he had all the bones in his arm removed.   
Lily: That's different!   
  
** "Excellent," said Aunt Marge. "I won't have this namby-pamby, wishy-washy nonsense about not hitting people who deserve it. A good trashing is what's needed in ninety-nine cases out of a hundred. **  
  
Sirius: _She's_ the one who needs it, not Harry.   
Lily: Damn straight she does!   
James: *smirking* Lily dearest, I didn't know you had such a big vocabulary!   
Lily: Shut up, Potter.   
  
**Have you been beaten often?"   
  
"Oh, yeah," said Harry, "loads of times."   
  
Aunt Marge narrowed her eyes.   
  
"I still don't like your tone, boy," she said. "If you can speak of your beatings in that casual way, they clearly aren't hitting you hard enough. Petunia, I'd write if I were you. Make it clear that you approve the use of extreme force in this boy's case." **  
  
Lily: *speechless with rage* How… how… how dare she…  
James: Lily. Calm down. There's nothing you can do about it.   
  
**Perhaps Uncle Vernon was worried that Harry might forget their bargain; in any case, he changed the subject abruptly.   
  
"Heard the news this morning, Marge? What about that escaped prisoner, eh?"   
As Aunt Marge started to make herself at home, Harry caught himself thinking almost longingly of life at number four without her. **  
  
James: *growls*  
Remus: She must be really bad, then.   
  
**Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia usually encouraged Harry to stay out of their way, which Harry was only too happy to do. Aunt Marge, on the other hand, wanted Harry under her eye at all times, so that she could boom out suggestions for his improvement. She delighted in comparing Harry with Dudley, and took huge pleasure in buying Dudley expensive presents while glaring at Harry, as though daring him to ask why he hadn't got a present too. **  
  
Lily: *screams into a pillow*  
Everybody except Lily: *stares at Lily, then backs away slowly*  
  
**She also kept throwing out dark hints about what made Harry such an unsatisfactory person.   
  
"You mustn't blame yourself for the way the boy's turned out, Vernon," she said over lunch on the third day. "If there's something rotten on the _inside_, there's nothing anyone can do about it." **  
  
Lily: _NOTHING IS WRONG WITH MY SON, INSIDE OR OUTSIDE!_  
  
**Harry tried to concentrate on his food, but his hands shook and his face was starting to burn with anger. _Remember the form_, he told himself. _Think about Hogsmeade. Don't say anything. Don't rise –_ **  
  
Katie: He's got a bad temper. Even worse than mine, and that's saying something. Only I don't do what he does, I use a bigger vocabulary than Lily's.   
James: What does he do?   
Katie: You'll see!   
  
**Aunt Marge reached for her glass of wine.   
  
"It's one of the basic rules of breeding," she said. "You see it all the time with dogs. If there's something wrong with the bitch, there'll be something wrong with the pup – " **  
  
Lily/James: Oh, she's crossed the line now.   
  
**At that moment, the wineglass Aunt Marge was holding exploded in her hand. Shards of glass flew in every direction and Aunt Marge sputtered and blinked, her great ruddy face dripping. **  
  
Sirius: He exploded a glass! I've done that!   
Lily: Black! Shame on you!   
Sirius: *sulking* It wasn't _my_ fault.   
  
** "Marge!" squealed Aunt Petunia. "Marge, are you all right?"   
  
"Not to worry," grunted Aunt Marge, mopping her face with her napkin. "Must have squeezed it too hard. Did the same thing at Colonel Fubster's the other day. No need to fuss, Petunia, I have a very firm grip…"**  
  
Peter: Firm grip, my foot. That was Harry, and you know it was too.   
  
**But Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon were both looking at Harry suspiciously, so he decided he'd better skip dessert and escape from the table as soon as he could. **  
  
Sirius: Smart move.   
  
**Outside in the hall, he leaned against the wall, breathing deeply. It had been a long time since he'd lost control and made something explode. He couldn't afford to let it happen again. The Hogsmeade form wasn't the only thing at stake – if he carried on like that, he'd be in trouble with the Ministry of Magic. **  
  
James: He wouldn't get in trouble for losing control, would he? I've lost control and not gotten in trouble. Hell, even Lily's lost control, I still have the scar.   
Lily: You provoked me, Potter.   
  
**Harry was still an underage wizard, and he was forbidden by wizard law to do magic outside school. His record wasn't exactly clean either. Only last summer he'd gotten an official warning that had stated quite clearly that if the Ministry got wind of any more magic in Privet Drive, Harry would face expulsion from Hogwarts. **  
  
Lily: What happened last summer? Why did he get an official warning?   
Katie: It was in the book I gave one of you last time, you know, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. Anyway, a house-elf exploded his aunt's big pudding cake thing. And he got blamed for it.   
  
**He heard the Dursleys leaving the table and hurried upstairs out of the way.   
Harry got through the next three days by forcing himself to think about his _Handbook of Do-It-Yourself Broomcare_ whenever Aunt Marge started on him. This worked quite well, though it seemed to give him a glazed look, because Aunt Marge started voicing the opinion that he was mentally subnormal. **  
  
Lily: He is _not_ mentally subnormal! He is smarter and has more sense than you do!   
  
**At last, at long last, the final evening of Marge's stay arrived. Aunt Petunia cooked a fancy dinner and Uncle Vernon uncorked several bottles of wine. They got all the way through the soup and the salmon **  
  
Katie: I had salmon last night for dinner! It was really good! It had beurreblanc sauce on it!   
Remus: White butter sauce?   
Katie: Yep! It was really good, too!   
  
**without a single mention of Harry's faults; during the lemon meringue pie, **  
  
Katie: Mmmm… lemon meringue pie… that stuff's good…  
  
**Uncle Vernon bored them all with a long talk about Grunnings, his drill-making company; **  
  
Remus: *laughing* It's a pun!   
  
**then Aunt Petunia made coffee and Uncle Vernon brought out a bottle of brandy.   
  
"Can I tempt you, Marge?" **  
  
Remus: Sure… make the evil aunt drunk so she pisses off Harry more…  
  
**Aunt Marge had already had quite a lot of wine. Her huge face was very red. **  
  
Remus: See?   
  
** "Just a small one, then," she chuckled. "A bit more than that… and a bit more… that's the ticket." **  
  
Lily: _That's_ a small one?   
  
**Dudley was eating his fourth slice of pie. **  
  
Remus: Pig.   
Katie: Oui.   
**Aunt Petunia was sipping coffee with her little finger sticking out. Harry really wanted to disappear into his bedroom, but he met Uncle Vernon's angry little eyes and knew he would have to sit it out. **  
  
James: Let him go to his room!   
  
** "Aah," said Aunt Marge, smacking her lips and putting the empty brandy glass back down. "Excellent nosh, Petunia. It's normally just a fry-up for me of an evening, with twelve dogs to look after…" She burped richly and patted her great tweed stomach. "Pardon me. But I do like to see a healthy-sized boy," she went on, winking at Dudley. "You'll be a proper-sized man, Dudders, like your father. **  
  
Lily: That's supposed to be a _good_ thing, being that size?   
Peter: Apparently.   
Lily: That was rhetorical question, Pettigrew.   
  
**Yes, I'll have a spot more brandy, Vernon…"  
  
"Now, this one here – "   
  
She jerked her head at Harry who felt his stomach clench. _The Handbook_, he thought quickly.   
  
"This one's got a mean, runty look about him. You get that with dogs. I had Colonel Fubster drown one last year. Ratty little thing it was. Weak. Underbred." **  
  
Katie: That's extreme animal cruelty! That's so mean! She could have given it to me!   
Remus: Riiiiiiiiight… you realize that she doesn't _know_ you?   
Katie: So?   
**Harry was trying to remember page twelve of his book: _A Charm to Cure Reluctant Reversers_.  
  
"It all comes down to blood, as I was saying the other day. Bad blood will out. Now, I'm saying nothing against your family, Petunia" – she patted Aunt Petunia's bony hand with her shovel-like one – "but your sister was a bad egg. They turn up in the best families. Then she ran off with a wastrel and here's the result right in front of us." **  
  
Lily: *fuming* I am _not_ a bad egg! And James is _not_ a wastrel! Oh, Marge is going to die.   
James: I'll help you kill her, too.   
Katie: Can I help? Pretty pretty please?   
Lily: Sure! I think after we finish this book, I'm going to invite all of you over to my house so we can freak out Petunia before we kill her.   
  
**Harry was staring at his plate, a funny ringing in his ears. _Grasp your broom firmly by the tail_, he thought. But he couldn't remember what came next. Aunt Marge's voice seemed to be boring into him like one of Uncle Vernon's drills. **  
  
Peter: *wincing* That's got to hurt…  
Katie: *rolling her eyes* It's an _expression_, Peter. Jeez, you're as bad as my friend when I tell her 'bite me'. *(no names, to protect the not-so-innocent! 'friend', you know who you are!)*   
  
** "This Potter," said Aunt Marge loudly, seizing the brandy bottle and splashing more into her glass and over the tablecloth, "you never told me what he did?"   
  
Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia were looking extremely tense. Dudley had even looked from his pie to gape at his parents.   
  
"He – didn't work," said Uncle Vernon, with half a glance at Harry. "Unemployed." **  
  
James: I'm going to have a better job than _you_ do! I already work some days in the summer!   
Katie: I volunteer at the Humane Society! Does that count as a job?   
James: Katie, you're worse than Sirius is.   
Katie: *beaming* Thanks!   
James: That wasn't a compliment.   
Sirius: Hey!   
  
** "As I expected!" said Aunt Marge, taking a huge swig of brandy and wiping her chin on her sleeve. "A no-account, good-for-nothing, lazy scrounger who – " **  
  
James: *fuming* I AM NOT!   
  
** "He was not," said Harry suddenly. The table went very quiet. Harry was shaking all over. He had never felt so angry in his life. **  
  
James: That's my boy! You tell 'em!   
  
** "MORE BRANDY!" yelled Uncle Vernon, who had gone very white. He emptied into Aunt Marge's glass. "You, boy," he snarled at Harry. "Go to bed, go on – "   
  
"No, Vernon," hiccupped Aunt Marge, holding up a hand, her tiny bloodshot eyes fixed on Harry's. "Go on, boy, go on. Proud of your parents, are you? They go and get themselves killed in a car crash (drunk, I expect) – " **  
  
James: We did NOT die in a car crash! And I would never be drunk while Lily was driving the car, since she knows how to and I don't. I've only been drunk once!   
Sirius: *sniggering* Or twice…  
Remus: *smiling* Or three times…  
James: Oh, shut up.   
Lily: James!   
  
** "They didn't die in a car crash!" said Harry, who found himself on his feet.   
  
"They died in a car crash, you nasty little liar, and left you to be a burden on their decent, hardworking relatives!" screamed Aunt Marge, swelling with fury. "You are an insolent, ungrateful little – " **  
  
James: *standing up* You… you… bitch… I'm going to get you for that.   
Lily: *standing up too* Yeah!   
Katie: James, Lily, sit down.   
  
**But Aunt Marge suddenly stopped speaking. For a moment, it looked as though words had failed her. She seemed to be swelling with inexpressible anger – but the swelling didn't stop. Her great red face started to expand, her tiny eyes bulged, and her mouth stretched too tightly for speech – next seconds, several buttons had just burst from her tweed jacket and pinged off the walls – she was inflating like a monstrous balloon, her stomach bursting free of her tweed waistband, each of her fingers blowing up like a salami – **  
  
Sirius: Yeah! He blew up his aunt!   
Lily: Once Harry exists, I'm going to punish him for that!   
James: Lily, it won't have happened yet. And aren't you glad that he did that?   
Lily: Well… yeah… but still!   
  
** "MARGE!" yelled Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia together as Aunt Marge's whole body began to rise off her chair toward the ceiling. She was entirely round, now, like a vast life buoy with piggy eyes, and her hands and feet stuck out weirdly as she drifted up into the air, making apoplectic popping noises. **  
  
Katie: Aunt Marge balloons, only five galleons each! Get 'em while they're cheap!   
  
**Ripper came skidding into the room, barking madly.   
  
"NOOOOOOO!"   
  
Uncle Vernon seized one of Marge's feet and tried to pull her down again, but was almost lifted from the floor himself. A second later, Ripper leapt forward and sank his teeth into Uncle Vernon's leg. **  
  
Everyone: *cracks up*  
Lily: He got what he deserved! Or part of it, anyway… I'm still going to kill him…  
  
**Harry tore from the dining room before anyone could stop him, heading for the cupboard under the stairs. The cupboard door burst magically open as he reached it. In seconds, he had heaved his trunk to the front door. He sprinted upstairs and threw himself under the bed, wrenching up the loose floorboard, and grabbed his pillowcase full of his books and birthday presents. He wriggled out, seized Hedwig's empty cage, and dashed back downstairs to his trunk, just as Uncle Vernon burst out of the dining room, his trouser leg in bloody tatters.   
  
"COME BACK IN HERE!" he bellowed. "COME BACK AND PUT HER RIGHT!" **  
  
Sirius: Why should he? She deserved it!   
  
**But a reckless rage had come over Harry. He kicked his trunk open, pulled out his wand, and pointed it at Uncle Vernon.   
  
"She deserved it," Harry said, breathing very fast. "She deserved what she got. You keep away from me."   
  
He fumbled behind him for the latch on the door.   
  
"I'm going," Harry said. "I've had enough."   
  
And in the next moment, he was out in the dark, quiet street, heaving his heavy trunk behind him, Hedwig's cage under his arm. **  
  
Remus: And that is the end of chapter two.   
Katie: What do you guys think?   
Peter: I think those two *pointing at Lily and James* are scaring me.   
Lily: I think that I'm going to kill Petunia, Vernon, and Marge.   
James: I think I'm going to help.   
Sirius: *eating a mouse cookie* I think these cookies are good!   
Katie: *bowing* Thank you, thank you very much. Now Imma sing some more carols for you!   
  
*(sung to the chorus of 'Silver Bells')*   
  
*Guy with sword…  
Cops are bored…  
Reporters stretch ou-ut the story…  
Cops tackle him…  
Thirty-four of them…  
Don't worry, downtown's ok!*   
  
OK, you guys know Lucius Malfoy, right?   
James: Unfortunately.   
Katie: Good. Well, in Harry's time he has a son named Draco.   
Remus: He named his son _Dragon?_   
Katie: Yes. Don't interrupt. Draco's awesome. He and Harry hate each other. This is part of a Christmas carol sung by him:   
  


*(sung to the tune of 'Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer)*   
  
I ran Potter over with my reindeer,   
He was wandering the grounds on Christmas Eve.   
I always did say Slytherin was better,   
It wasn't my fault he did not believe.   
  
Weasley got Potter's old broom  
Because his broom wouldn't go.   
I suppose it wasn't really his fault  
His thrift-store broomstick was so slow!   
  


James: *holding Lily back so she can't hurt Katie* Lily… she didn't make it up… stop trying to attack her…  
Katie: *typing on her trusty laptop* 'K, James, you can let her go. She can't hurt me now.   
Lily: *tries, but fails, to hurt Katie*  
Remus: How do you do that? You can do practically anything with that laptop!   
Katie: Yep! I told you, I'm the Author! I can do anything! *types more and lifts off the ground and hovers five feet above the ground* See?   
  


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

  
  
**A/N:** Sorry the chapter isn't that good, I did it yesterday and today, and I've got to finish it right now because we're leaving to go to my relatives' house for Christmas! I hope that the bold turns out, I'm sorry if it doesn't all work out. Oh, and the 'I Ran Potter Over With My Reindeer' carol came from a story by Eliza Diawna Snape, who is a really good author, I recommend that you read her stories. I didn't make it up, and I do not claim ownership to it. Um… I think that's all for now, so please review! Happy Holidays! 

Reviewer Responses!

**Avestia**: Thank you! I updated soon, as you requested!   
**gabwr**: Thank you! I prolly will keep going on it!  
**Sohalia Talitha**: Thank you! I wrote more soon! Oh, don't worry… I won't kill Sirius. They might _want_ to, but they won't seriously damage him. I'd kill of Peter, but it would totally screw Canon. And as much as this is off-Canon and the characters are OOC, I'd like to keep _some_ realism. So… thank you! 


	3. Chapter 3

Finally. I'm back. I've been writing this for ages, and I hadn't finished it 'til now. I'm soooooooooo sorry for the long wait. I know I haven't updated in months, almost a year, and I'm REALLY sorry. I'm back in school now, and I get at least 5 hours of homework a day, on average (no kidding. And I'm still in middle school. x.x)

Oh, and before I forget – I DO NOT OWN ANYTHING EXCEPT KATIE. NOT THE STORY, NOT THE CHARACTERS. I ONLY OWN KATIE.

Soooo… On with the story!

The next day, the gang was waiting at James' house once again. And once again, Katie came out of a blue, swirling portal thingy in the wall.

Katie: Hey! It's been so long since I've seen you guys!

Everyone else: o.O It's been a whole _day_ since you last saw us, Katie…

Katie: Not where I come from. It's been… almost a year since I last came. It's now Christmas, and it was Christmas the last time I came. So there. sticks out tongue

Lily: Uh… ok then… --;

Katie: Yep. Now who wants to read this time?

Peter: I do!

Everyone else: stares You can _read_?

Peter: Well… no… but I wanna read anyway!

Everyone else: o.O

Katie: No, you can't read this book. It's _sacred. _I guess only Lily and I can read it, since girls are so much more special than boys, and only _special_ people can read PoA. So mna.

Sirius: OK…HEY! That wasn't very nice!

Katie: …What's your point?

Sirius: ::sweatdrops::

Remus: ::impatiently:: Now that that's settled, can we _please_ read the book again?

Katie: ::looks disappointed:: But, Remus, I was having fun being mean!

James: He's right, Katie. I want to hear what happens to Harry next!

Katie: ::makes a face:: Fine. gives PoA to Lily Read away.

Lily: 'Kay!

**Harry was several streets away before he collapsed onto a low wall on Magnolia Crescent, panting from the effort of dragging his trunk. He sat quite still, anger still surging through him, listening to the frantic thumping of his heart.**

Remus: Well, the author of this book certainly has a good writing style. Lots of detail.

James: ::blinks:: Why do you even pay attention to that stuff, Moony? My son is on the streets at night and he just blew up his aunt!

Remus: Well, sorr-EE for being smart!

Katie: Yeah, James, he's just being smart! And you're not being very nice…

James: ::rolls eyes:: Sorry, O Great Katie.

Katie: You should say sorry to Remus. Not to me.

James: ::sighs:: Sorry, Moony.

**But after ten minutes alone in the dark street, a new emotion overtook him: panic. Whichever way he looked at it, he had never been in a worse fix. He was stranded, quite alone, in the dark Muggle world, with absolutely nowhere to go. And the worst of it was, he had just done serious magic, which meant that he was almost certainly expelled from Hogwarts. He had broken the Decree for the Restriction of Underage Wizardry so badly, he was surprised Ministry of Magic officials weren't swooping down on him where he sat.**

Lily: He did break the Decree for the Restriction of Underage Wizardry quite badly, you know. Blowing up his aunt was not a smart decision. I'm _so_ going to punish him as soon as he's born.

Katie: Uh, Lils? You die when he's a year old. You can't exactly ground a newborn.

Lily: …Oh, yeah…

**Harry shivered and looked up and down Magnolia Crescent. What was going to happen to him? Would he be arrested, or would he simply be outlawed from the wizarding world? He thought of Ron and Hermione, and his heart sunk even lower. Harry was sure that, criminal or not, Ron and Hermione would want to help him now, but they were both abroad, and with Hedwig gone, he had no means of contacting him.**

Peter: Why aren't we in the story yet? We'd be his godfathers, right? Or at least in contact with him, right?

Katie: ::scowls:: Well, I'm not going to spoil the 'surprise', but I can guarantee that nobody's going to like it.

Sirius: C'mon, tell us! I wanna know! Pweeze?

Katie: No. Now hush up and let Lily read.

**He didn't have any Muggle money, either. There was a little wizard gold in the money bag at the bottom of his trunk, but the rest of the fortune was stored in a vault at Gringotts Wizarding Bank in London. **

Lily: You really are rich, aren't you, Potter? A fortune?

James: Not 'rich', exactly. Just… extremely well off.

Sirius: Yeah, right, Prongs. Lily, he's rich.

**Unless…**

Remus: Unless what?

Lily: If you would stop _interrupting_ and let me _read_, you would find out and not have to wait!

**He looked down at his wand, which he was still clutching in his hand. If he was already expelled (his heart was now thumping painfully fast), a bit more magic couldn't hurt. He had the Invisibility Cloak he had inherited from his father – what if he bewitched the trunk to make it feather-light, tied it to his broomstick, covered himself in the cloak, and flew to London?**

Lily: James Potter, you have an Invisibility Cloak?! Those are really valuable, and really rare!

James: ::groans:: Why did J.K. Rowling have to put that into the book?

Katie: Because it's _important_ to his life! How do you think he gets away with smuggling a dragon out of Hogwarts? Or how he gets to the Sorcerer's Stone? Or how he gets to the kitchens, or how he gets away with sneaking into the Restricted Section of the library? He uses the Invisibility Cloak!

James: He found out where the kitchens were? I'm impressed.

Katie: Well, actually, Hermione found out from Fred and George Weasley, and then she told him. So he didn't really find out himself.

Sirius: James, your kid is shameful. He didn't even find out where the kitchens were on his own?

Lily: Black, I'm warning you… one more insult and you won't live to see tomorrow…

**Then he could get the rest of his money out of his vault and… begin his life as an outcast. It was a horrible prospect, but he couldn't sit on this wall forever, or he'd find himself trying to explain to Muggle police why he was out in the dead of night with a trunkful of spellbooks and a broomstick. **

Lily: ::winces:: That'd be bad. Very bad.

Katie: Yes, yes it would. Luckily, he doesn't have to explain to the Muggle police anything.

**Harry opened his trunk again and pushed the contents inside, looking for the Invisibility Cloak – but before he had found it, he straightened up suddenly, looking around him once more.**

Remus: Why'd he stand back up? Wouldn't it be better to look for the cloak so that he could be invisible? 

**A funny prickling on the back of his neck had made Harry feel he was being watched, but the street appeared to be deserted, and no lights shone from any of the large square houses.**

Katie: You know what always confuses me? How people can tell if they're being watched. I don't get that.

**He bent over his trunk again, but almost immediately stood up once more, his hand clenched on his wand. He had sensed rather than heard it: someone or something was standing in the narrow gap between the garage and the fence behind him. Harry squinted at the black alleyway. If only it would move, then he'd know whether it was just a stray cat or – something else.**

Peter: It's probably Sirius, checking up on Harry.

Lily: …

Sirius: Shut up, Peter. Evans, he's just being… himself, making up nonsense.

Peter: Uh… yeah… if you say so…

"**_Lumos_," Harry muttered, and a light appeared at the end of his wand, almost dazzling him. He held it high over his head, and the pebble-dashed walls of number two suddenly sparkled; the garage door gleamed, and between them Harry saw, quite distinctly, the hulking outline of something very big, with wide, gleaming eyes.**

Lily: I wonder what that could be… 

Peter: whispers to Sirius I _told_ you it was you… you're the only one who would be that big and be around Harry…

Sirius: smacks Peter Just be quiet so Lily doesn't hear. Lily: Hear what? 

Sirius: Nooooooooothing…

**Harry stepped backward. His legs hit his trunk and he tripped. His wand flew out of his hand as he flung an arm to break his fall, and he landed, hard, in the gutter –**

Lily: Sirius, if that was you, however it could be, you're gonna DIE for making my baby fall and get hurt…

Sirius: Oooh, Evans, I'm _real_ scared.

Lily: Good, you _should_ be.

**There was a deafening BANG, and Harry threw up his hands to shield his eyes against a sudden blinding light – **

James: Did he _die_?

Katie: ::sweatdrops:: What made you think he _died_?

James: Well… there was a sudden bright light… like the light at the end of the tunnel…

Katie: …You're hopeless…

James: Look who's talking…

Katie: HEY! THAT WAS MEAN!

**With a yell, he rolled back onto the pavement, just in time. A second later, a gigantic pair of wheels and headlights screeched to a halt exactly where Harry had just been lying. They belonged, as Harry saw when he raised his head, to a triple-decker, violently purple bus, which had appeared out of thin air. Gold lettering over the windshield spelled _The Knight Bus_.**

Lily: That's a _scary_ thing, the Knight Bus.

James: ::shudders:: It is. It really is.

Sirius: …How is it _scary_? It's a bus, for heaven's sake!

Lily: Shut up, Black.

**For a split second, Harry wondered if he had been knocked silly by his fall. **

Katie: He's permanently knocked silly. And he has a bad temper problem.

James/Lily: Don't insult our son like that! ::glares::

Katie: ::giggles:: Why not? He has a temper problem, it's that simple. He went off on his friends in the fifth book. He was yelling and screaming at them just like the portrait of his mom. points at Sirius

Sirius: …How'd you know about my mum's painting?

Katie: ::rolls eyes:: Duh, Sirius, I can read.

**Then a conductor in a purple uniform leapt out of the bus and began to speak loudly to the night.**

Katie: Ewww. Purple.

Lily: What's wrong with purple?

Katie: It's too GIRLY! It's like PINK! AHHH! THE FLUFFY PINK BUNNIES ARE ATTACKING!!! RUN! HIDE!

Everyone else: O.O

Peter: The pink bunnies? I'm friends with those!

Everyone else: Riiiiiiiiiiiight…

"**Welcome to the Knight Bus,**

James: He has to take the KNIGHT BUS? Poor kid…

Sirius: Poor kid? That thing's awesome! You get to go about a million miles per hour and swerve and almost hit things and and and!

Katie: WEEEEEEEEEEE!

Remus: ;

**emergency transport for the stranded witch or wizard. Just stick out your wand hand, step on board, and we can take you anywhere you want to go. My name is Stan Shunpike, and I will be your conductor this eve–"**

Peter: Ning?

Lily: Wha?

Peter: ::rolls eyes:: Eve. Ning. Evening.

Lily: Whatever…

**The conductor stopped abruptly. He had just caught sight of Harry, who was still sitting on the ground. Harry snatched up his wand again and scrambled to his feet. Close up, he saw that Stan Shunpike was only a few years older than he was, eighteen or nineteen at most, with large, protruding ears and quite a few pimples.**

Lily: Ewww. I'd even take Potter over someone like that.

James: HEY! What's that supposed to mean?

Katie: I think she was complimenting you, stupid.

James/Lily: I'm/He's not stupid!

Katie: giggles Suuuuure he's not… of course not… and you guys aren't in love at all. At all…

"**What were you doin' down there?" said Stan, dropping his professional manner.**

Remus: _Somebody_ needs to learn to speak properly…

"**Fell over," said Harry.**

"'**Choo fall over for?" sniggered Stan.**

"**I didn't do it on purpose," said Harry, annoyed. **

Lily: Duh, he didn't fall over on purpose. Why would you fall over on purpose?

**One of the knees in his jeans was torn, and the hand he had thrown out to break his fall was bleeding.**

James: ::gasps:: He's BLEEDING? How dare he?

Remus: He didn't MEAN to start bleed-

James: No, how dare Sirius make him fall!

Sirius: HEY! I didn't MEAN to make him fall!

Lily: ???

**He suddenly remembered why he had fallen over and turned around quickly to stare at the alleyway between the garage and fence. The Knight Bus's headlamps were flooding it with light, and it was empty.**

Sirius: Hey, where'd I go?

Lily: What do you mean, where'd you go? You were never there! Only a dog and a conductor on the Knight Bus were there!

Sirius: Erm… never mind…

"'**Choo lookin' at?" said Stan.**

"**There was a big black thing," said Harry, pointing uncertainly into the gap. "Like a dog… but massive…"**

Peter: Yep, it's Sirius!

James: ::covering Peter's mouth:: Lily, don't listen to him.

Lily: ::raising an eyebrow ::Suuuure, whatever… next thing you know, you'll all be saying you're illegal Animagi…

**He looked around at Stan, whose mouth was slightly open. With a feeling of unease, Harry saw Stan's eyes move to the scar on Harry's forehead.**

Remus: That can't be good.

Peter: Why not?

James: If you don't understand, I'm not going to explain it to you…

"**Woss that on your 'ead?" said Stan abruptly.**

"**Nothing," said Harry quickly, flattening his hair over his scar. If the Ministry of Magic was looking for him, he didn't want to make it too easy for them.**

James/Lily: Good boy!

Sirius: Geez, they're starting it again! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

"**Woss your name?" Stan persisted. **

Lily: Don't say 'Harry Potter'!

James: …HEY! What's wrong with his last name?

Lily: Because he's on the run from the Ministry, stupid.

James: Oooooooooooooooh… I GET IT!

Everyone else: --;

"**Neville Longbottom," said Harry, saying the first name that came into his head. **

Remus: Who's Neville Longbottom?

Katie: You'll see!

"**So – so this bus," he went on quickly, hoping to distract Stan, "did you say it goes _anywhere_?"**

Sirius: ::darkly:: Yeah, it goes anywhere… even to Knockturn Alley.

"**Yep," said Stan proudly, "anywhere you like, long's it's on land. Can't do nuffink underwater. 'Ere," he said, looking suspicious again. "you _did_ flag us down, dincha? Stuck out your wand 'and, dincha?"**

Katie: He didn't. He did it on accident, stupido.

"**Yes," said Harry quickly. "Listen, how much would it be to get to London?"**

"**Eleven Sickles," said Stan. "but for firteen you get 'ot chocolate, and for fifteen you get an 'ot water bottle an' a toofbrush in the color of your choice."**

Katie/Sirius/James/Remus/Peter: I WANT HOT CHOCOLATE!

Lily: …Katie, get yourself hot chocolate and get some for them too… you're the Author, remember?

Katie: OH YEAH! I ALMOST FORGOT! THANKEE VERY MUCH, LILS!

**Harry rummaged once more in his trunk, extracting his money bag, and shoved some gold into Stan's hand. He and Stan then lifted his trunk, with Hedwig's cage balanced on top, up the steps of the bus.**

Katie: ::pouts:: That's different than the movie. That's SO not fair.

**There were no seats; instead, half a dozen brass bedsteads stood beside the curtained windows. Candles were burning in brackets beside each bed, illuminating the wood-paneled walls. **

Katie: Wouldn't that be kind of dangerous? I mean, wood-paneled walls and candles?

Lily: Nope. There's a little thing called 'magic' that keeps them from burning.

Katie: I knew that! ;

**A tiny wizard in a nightcap at the end of the bus muttered, "Not now, thanks, I'm pickling some slugs" and rolled over in his sleep.**

Remus: Ewww! Pickling slugs?! That's nasty!

Sirius: Moony, you DO realize that we have to use those in Potions, right?

Remus: But it's still GROSS!

"**You 'ave this one," Stan whispered, shoving Harry's trunk under the bed right behind the driver, who was sitting in an armchair in front of the steering wheel. "This is our driver, Ernie Prang. This is Neville Longbottom, Ern."**

Peter: I want an armchair! S'not fair!

Sirius: Come to think of it, I want an armchair too! Kaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaatie!

Katie: Yes?

Sirius: Get us armchairs! NOW!

Katie: Nope, cos you didn't ask nicely!

Sirius: ::sulks:: Fine. Katie, dearest friend, will you PLEASE get Peter and me armchairs?

Katie: ::types up something and they all have armchairs:: Happy now?

**Ernie Prang, an elderly wizard wearing very thick glasses, nodded to Harry, who nervously flattened his bangs again and sat down on his bed.**

**Take 'er away, Ern," said Stan, sitting in the armchair next to Ernie's.**

Sirius: How come _he_ gets an armchair too? We had to BEG for ours!

**There was another tremendous BANG, and the next moment Harry found himself flat on his bed, thrown backward by the speed of the Knight Bus. Pulling himself up, Harry stared out of the dark window and saw that they were now bowling along a completely different street. Stan was watching Harry's stunned face with great enjoyment.**

"**This is where we was before you flagged us down," he said. "Where are we, Ern? Somewhere in Wales?"**

"**Ar," said Ernie.**

Sirius: HE'S A PIRATE! ARRR!

Katie: IMMA PIRATE!

Sirius: …are not.

Katie: Are too!

Sirius: Not.

Katie: Too.

Sirius: Not.

Katie: Too.

Sirius: N-

Lily: SHUT UP, BOTH OF YOU!

Sirius/Katie: Yes, mum.

"**How come the Muggles don't hear the bus?" said Harry.**

"**Them!" said Stan contemptuously. "Don' listen properly, do they? Don' look properly either. Never notice nuffink, they don'."**

Katie: HMPH! I DUN LIKE THIS BOOK ANYMORE!

Lily: …Katie, you were the one who made us read it…

Katie: SO? Don't argue with me!

"**Best go wake up Madam Marsh, Stan," said Ern. "We'll be in Abergavenny in a minute."**

Katie: ::bouncing around:: This is a GOOD part! Just make me a promise, everybody – you have to promise not to kill anyone, alright? No killing people until the book is over. Then you can kill whomever you want.

Everybody except Katie: …whatever…

**Stan passed Harry's bed and disappeared up a narrow wooden staircase. Harry was still looking out of the window, feeling increasingly nervous. Ernie didn't seem to have mastered the use of a steering wheel.**

Sirius: Er… what's a steering wheel?

Lily: It's what they use to steer a car, Black. You really should take Muggle Studies.

Sirius: Oh, shut it. Just because I flunked out of it doesn't mean you can rub it in!

Lily: …you flunked out of Muggle Studies? ;

Sirius: Uhm… I shouldn't have said that…

**The Knight Bus kept mounting the pavement, but it didn't hit anything; lines of lampposts, mailboxes, and trash cans jumped out of its way as it approached and back into position once it had passed.**

James: FUN!

**Stan came back downstairs, followed by a faintly green witch wrapped in a traveling cloak.**

Peter: I'd be sick and green if I traveled far enough on that thing, too!

"'**Ere you go, Madam Marsh," said Stan happily as Ern stamped on the brake and the beds slid a foot or so toward the front of the bus. Madam Marsh clamped a handkerchief to her mouth and tottered down the steps. Stan threw her bag out after her and rammed the doors shut; there was another loud BANG, and they were thundering down a narrow country lane, trees leaping out of the way.**

Katie: How do they get from one place to a completely different place, all in a BANG? Why don't they secure the beds to one place? And WHY HAVEN'T I EVER TRAVELED ON THE KNIGHT BUS?

Remus: Err… magic, just because, and because you're a Muggle?

Katie: …shut up and don't remind me…

Remus: Well, you _asked_… ;

**Harry wouldn't have been able to sleep even if he had been traveling on a bus that didn't keep banging loudly and jumping a hundred miles at a time. His stomach churned as he fell back to wondering what was going to happen to him, and whether the Dursleys had managed to get Aunt Marge off the ceiling yet.**

James: I hope not. Lily's future brother-in-law has some mean relatives. She deserves to be stuck on the ceiling.

**Stan had unfurled a copy of the _Daily Prophet_ and was now reading with his tongue between his teeth. A large photograph of a sunken-faced man with long, matted hair blinked slowly at Harry from the front page. He looked strangely familiar.**

Sirius: Is it me?

"**That man!" Harry said, forgetting his troubles for a moment. "He was on the Muggle news!"**

Sirius: HA! IT WAS ME!

Lily: You don't even know if it _was_ you! How can you say it's you if it could just as easily be some stranger we don't know about?

**Stanley turned to the front page and chuckled.**

"**Sirius Black," he said, nodding. **

Sirius: I TOLD YOU SO! …wait, that's not a good thing, is it?

"'**Course he was on the Muggle news, Neville, where you been?"**

James: I still don't know who the real Neville is…

Katie: He's just somebody who Harry goes to school with. He's not very important, except for the fifth book, where he's kinda important.

**He gave a superior sort of chuckle at the blank look on Harry's face, removed the front page, and handed it to Harry. **

"**You oughta read the papers more, Neville."**

Lily: How can he read the papers more if he can't even do his homework without getting yelled at?

**Harry held the paper up to the candlelight and read:**

**Black Still At Large**

Sirius: HEY! I'M NOT A CONVICT! OR A FUGITIVE! GRR!

Lily: Well, apparently you are, so stop whining about it.

Peter: ::edges away from Sirius::

Katie: He's not a convict now, stupid.

**Sirius Black, possibly the most infamous prisoner ever to be held in Azkaban fortress, is still eluding capture, the Ministry of Magic confirmed today.**

Remus: You were being held in AZKABAN? Sirius, what did you DO?

Sirius: ::pale:: Azkaban? Only the REALLY evil people go there.

Katie: Yeah, and you go there for twelve years.

Sirius: Holy. Crap.

**We are doing all we can to recapture Black," said the Minister of Magic, Cornelius Fudge, this morning, "and we beg the magical community to remain calm."**

Remus: Why wouldn't they be calm? We all know Sirius wouldn't do anything bad, aside from harmless pranks, so why don't they?

Katie: Because there were eyewitnesses?

Remus: …yeah, that would do it…

**Fudge has been criticized by some members of the International Federation of Warlocks for informing the Muggle Prime Minister of the crisis.**

**"Well, really, I had to, don't you know," said an irritable Fudge. "Black is mad. He's a danger to anyone who crosses him. I have the Prime Minister's assurance that he will not breathe a word of Black's true identity to anyone. And let's face it – who'd believe him if he did?"**

Sirius: 'A danger to anyone who crosses him'? Me?

Katie: I think you're the only Sirius Black around here, Padfoot.

Lily: Will somebody PLEASE tell me what those nicknames mean?

Katie: Oh, you find out later in the book. What ALL the nicknames mean.

Remus: ::mutters so nobody else can hear:: Oh, shoot...

**While Muggles have been told that Black is carrying a gun (a kind of metal wand that Muggles use to kill each other), the magical community lives in fear of a massacre like that of twelve years ago, when Black murdered thirteen people with a single curse.**

Peter: ::widens eyes, looks at Sirius worriedly, and backs away::

James: Holy crap, Sirius, what were you THINKING?

Remus: Are you CRAZY, Sirius? Why would you even THINK of doing something like that?

Lily: With ONE curse? How'd you manage that? Err… I mean, that was very bad, Sirius. You shouldn't have done that.

Katie: May I remind everyone that they promised not to kill anyone until the last book?

**Harry looked into the shadowed eyes of Sirius Black, the only part of the sunken face that seemed alive. Harry had never met a vampire, but he had seen pictures of them in his Defense Against the Dark Arts classes, and Black, with his waxy white skin, looked just like one.**

Remus: Siri doesn't look like a vampire!

James: How d'you know? Have you ever seen a vampire?

Sirius: …HEY!

"**Scary-lookin' fing, inee?" said Stan, who had been watching Harry read.**

Sirius: HEY! That's not very nice!

James: Well, you DID murder thirteen people with one curse… and got put into Azkaban for twelve years… so yes, I'd assume you look scary.

"**He murdered _thirteen people_?" said Harry, handing the page back to Stan, "with _one curse_?"**

"**Yep," said Stan, "in front of witnesses an' all. Broad daylight. Big trouble it caused, dinnit, Ern?"**

Sirius: Oh, come on. Even if I did murder thirteen people with one curse, I wouldn't do it in front of witnesses in broad daylight! Kaaaaaaaaaatie!

Katie: Yessir?

Sirius: Did I really murder thirteen people with one curse in front of witnesses in broad daylight?

Katie: Not gonna tell, not gonna tell, not gonna tell!

"**Ar," said Ern darkly.**

Sirius: SEE? HE'S A PIRATE!

Katie: Imma pirate!

Lily: STOP IT!

**Stan swiveled in his armchair, his hands on the back, the better to look at Harry.**

"**Black woz a big supporter of You-Know-'Oo," he said.**

"**What, Voldemort?" said Harry, without thinking.**

James: Who's Voldemort?

Peter: He's a Dark Lord who will later take over the world! Muahahahaha!

James/Sirius/Remus/Lily: O.O

Katie: OK, I'm going to make an exception. You can all kill Peter if you want to.

Peter: Eep!

**Even Stan's pimples went white; Ern jerked the steering wheel so hard that a whole farmhouse had to jump aside to avoid the bus.**

Remus: Wouldn't the people inside notice?

Katie: Apparently not.

"**You outta your tree?" yelped Stan. "'Choo say 'is name for?"**

"**Sorry," said Harry hastily. "Sorry, I – I forgot – "**

Katie: Psh, forgot? He ALWAYS says Voldie's name.

Peter: ::gasps:: You said his name!

Katie: Yeah, I said Voldemort's name. And what of it? I don't technically exist in this universe; this is an alternate universe. I don't exist here, so nobody can do anything to me!

"**Forgot!" said Stan weakly. "Blimey, my 'heart's goin' that fast…"**

"**So – so Black was a supporter of You-Know-Who?" Harry prompted apologetically.**

Sirius: WAS NOT.

Peter: WAS TOO.

Sirius: NOT.

Peter: TOO.

Lily: Shut up, both of you! Peter, you're worse than Katie.

Katie: NO HE'S NOT! HE'S A… ::realizes her mistake and shuts her mouth::

Peter: A what?

Katie: Nothing, nothing at all.

"**Yeah," said Stan, still rubbing his chest. "Yeah, that's right. Very close to You-Know-'Oo, they say. Anyway, when little 'Arry Potter got the better of You-Know-'Oo –"**

James: SIRIUS IS NOT A SUPPORTER OF… er… You-Know-Who!  
Sirius: Damn straight!

**Harry nervously flattened his bangs down again.**

"**- all You-Know-'Oo's supporters was tracked down, wasn't they, Ern? Most of 'em knew it was over, wiv You-Know-'Oo gone, and they came quiet. But not Sirius Black. I 'eard he thought 'e'd be second-in-command once You-Know-'Oo 'ad taken over.**

Remus: Psh, yeah right. Why would Sirius want to be EVIL? He'd be just like his family then!

Sirius: Don't mention my family again, please.

"**Anyway, they cornered Black in the middle of a street full of Muggles an' Black took out 'his wand and 'e blasted 'alf the street apart, an' a wizard got it, an' so did a dozen Muggles what got in the way. 'Orrible, eh? An' you know what Black did then?" Stan continued in a dramatic whisper.**

James: What?

"**What?" said Harry.**

Everybody 'cept James: ::edges away 'cos he's once again acting like Harry::

James: ::looks around:: Whaaaaaat?

"**_Laughed_," said Stan. "Jus' stood there an' laughed. An' when reinforcements from the Ministry of Magic got there, 'e went wiv 'em quiet as anyfink, still laughing 'is 'ead off. 'Cos 'e's mad, inee, Ern? Inee mad?"**

Sirius: I'M NOT BLOODY MAD! WILL THOSE PEOPLE PLEASE GET IT THROUGH THEIR HEADS?!

"**If he weren't when he went to Azkaban, he will be now," said Ern in his slow voice. "I'd blow meself up before I set foot in that place. Serves him right, mind you… after what he did…"**

Remus: I'd blow myself up, too. Sirius, I think you would have gone mad in there, like it or not.

"**They 'ad a job coverin' it up, din' they, Ern?" Stan said. "'Ole street blown up an' all them Muggles dead. What was it they said 'ad 'appened, Ern?"**

"**Gas explosion," grunted Ernie.**

Lily: Psh, gas explosion? Even Muggles would know something happened!

"**An' now 'e's out," said Stan, examining the newspaper picture of Black's gaunt face again. "Never been a breakout from Azkaban before, 'as there, Ern? Beats me 'ow 'e did it. Frightenin', eh? Mind, I don't fancy 'is chances against them Azkaban guards, eh, Ern?"**

Sirius: Of course I'll be fine! I'm the awesome Super Sirius Black!

Lily: … x.x

**Ernie suddenly shivered.**

"**Talk about summat else, Stan, there's a good lad. Them Azkaban guards give me the collywobbles."**

Remus: I think they give everybody the 'collywobbles'. They're SCARY, even if you've never seen them in person.

Katie: I betcha I wouldn't be scared!

Remus: Bet you would.

Katie: Wouldn't.

Remus: Would.

Sirius: REMUS LUPIN! SHAME ON YOU! IT'S _MY_ JOB TO ARGUE WITH KATIE!

**Stan put the paper away reluctantly, and Harry leaned against the window of the Knight Bus, feeling worse than ever. He couldn't help imagining what Stan might bge telling his passengers in a few nights' time. **

Lily: What, that he blew up his aunt? Who would know about that?

Katie: ::rolls eyes:: He think he's going to go to Azkaban, duh.

Lily: Ooooooooooooh…

"'**Ear about that 'Arry Potter? Blew up 'is aunt! We 'ad 'im 'ere on the Knight Bus, di'n't we, Ern? 'E was tryin' to run for it…."**

Lily: I told you!

**He, Harry, had broken wizard law just like Sirius Black. Was inflating Aunt Marge bad enough to land him in Azkaban? **

Katie: I told _you_!

**Harry didn't know anything about the wizard prison, though everyone he'd ever heard speak of it did so in the same fearful tone. Hagrid, the Hogwarts gamekeeper, had spent two months there only last year. Harry wouldn't soon forget the look of terror on Hagrid's face when he had been told where he was going, and Hagrid was one of the bravest people Harry knew. **

Remus: Hagrid goes to Azkaban? Why?

Katie: Read the book, Chamber of Secrets, that I gave somebody last time. Then you'll know!

**The Knight Bus rolled through the darkness, scattering bushes and wastebaskets, telephone booths and trees, and Harry lay, restless and miserable, on his feather bed. After a while, Stan remembered that Harry had paid for hot chocolate, but poured it all over Harry's pillow when the bus moved abruptly from Anglesea to Aberdeen. One by one, wizards and witches in dressing gowns and slippers descended from the upper floors to leave the bus. They all looked very pleased to go.**

Sirius: Well, they have good reason to… the Knight Bus is SCARY!

Katie: Like dementors?

Sirius: …no.

**Finally, Harry was the only passenger left.**

"**Right then, Neville," said Stan, clapping his hands, "whereabouts in London?"**

Peter: Yeah, where IS he going?

James: Diagon Alley, I bet.

"**Diagon Alley," said Harry.**

Peter: STOP DOING THAT!

"**Righto," said Stan. "'Old tight, then…"**

Katie: OW. I have a sore throat.

Lily: And that relates to this HOW?

Katie: It doesn't. I just felt like complaining. So mna. Deal with it.

**BANG.**

Sirius: BANG!

**They were thundering along Charing Cross Road. Harry sat up and watched buildings and benches squeezing themselves out of the Knight Bus's way. The sky was getting a little lighter. He would lie low for a couple of hours, go to Gringotts the moment it opened, then set off – where, he didn't know.**

Katie: Duh, he should come and visit me… Then I could… ::looks at James and Lily::… Erm… I could be his friend! ;

Remus: Nice save, Katie.

Katie: Thanks!

**Ern slammed on the brakes and the Knight Bus skidded to a halt in front of a small and shabby-looking pub, the Leaky Cauldron, behind which lay the magical entrance to Diagon Alley.**

Katie: I wanna go to Diagon Alley. ::sulks::

Sirius: But you're not magic!

Katie: SO? Fine, rub it in, then!

"**Thanks," Harry said to Ern.**

**Harry jumped down the steps and helped Stan lower his trunk and Hedwig's cage onto the pavement.**

"**Well," said Harry. "'Bye then!"**

**But Stan wasn't paying attention. Still standing in the doorway to the bus, he was goggling at the shadowy entrance to the Leaky Cauldron.**

Katie: HAHA! I know who it is, and you don't!

James: ::sulks:: Stop making fun of us just 'cos we haven't read the book that hasn't come out yet!

"**_There_ you are, Harry," said a voice.  
****  
**Katie: Dun dun DUN!!!! The plot thickens, as does the suspense!

Everyone else: ………..

**Before Harry could turn, he felt a hand on his shoulder. At the same time, Stan shouted, "Blimey! Ern, come 'ere! Come _'ere_!"**

Peter: I bet it's someone important!

Sirius: No duh, Peter…

**Harry looked up at the owner of the hand on his shoulder and felt a bucketful of ice cascade into his stomach – he had walked right into Cornelius Fudge, the Minister of Magic himself.**

Peter: SEE? It WAS somebody important!

Katie: Whatever… I still don't like you…

**Stan leapt onto the pavement beside them.**

"**What didja call Neville, Minister?" he said excitedly.**

Lily: His name isn't _Neville_! His name is _Harry_!

James: But Stan doesn't know that yet!

Lily: I don't care. He should know!  
**  
Fudge, a portly little man in a long, pinstriped cloak, looked cold and exhausted.**

Katie: He deserves it, the prat. After what he made Harry go through in fifth year… terrible, terrible. ::pretends to dab eyes, smirking::

Lily: WHAT HAPPENED? AND WHY ARE YOU JOKING ABOUT IT?

"**Neville?" he repeated, frowning. "This is Harry Potter."**

Remus: Of course it is! How could it be somebody else?

"**I knew it!" Stan shouted gleefully. "Ern! Ern! Guess 'oo Neville is, Ern! 'E's 'Arry Potter! I can see 'is scar!"**

Katie: 'Gleefully' is a funny word…

Lily: Can you please be quiet and let me read? I want to see if my son gets sent to Azkaban or not!

Katie: Rawr!

Sirius: ::gleefully:: CATFIGHT!

Katie: Did I just type 'gleefully'? HELP! 'TIS THE APOCALYPSE!

"**Yes," said Fudge testily, "well, I'm very glad the Knight Bus picked Harry up, but he and I need to step inside the Leaky Cauldron now…"**

**Fudge increased the pressure on Harry's shoulder, and Harry found himself being steered inside the pub. A stooping figure bearing a lantern appeared through the door behind the bar. It was Tom, the wizened, toothless landlord.**

James: Tom? He's the barkeeper and landlord for the Leaky Cauldron even now! He's awesome. ::nods::

"**You've got him, Minister!" said Tom. "Will you be wanting anything? Beer? Brandy?"**

Katie: I'll have a brandy, thank you very much!

Lily: You're not old enough, Katie.

Katie: …shut up and stop being logical…

"**Perhaps a pot of tea," said Fudge, who still hadn't let go of Harry.**

James: Why is he not letting go of Harry? Is he afraid that Harry'll run away if he lets go?

Sirius: No, silly, he's afraid that if he lets Harry go, Harry will summon up an army of fluffy pink bunnies! Fudge is _obviously_ scared of them!

Everyone else: O.O

James: Ooooooookay… who gave Sirius the sugar?

**There was a loud scraping and puffing from behind them, and Stan and Ern appeared, carrying Harry's trunk and Hedwig's cage and looking around excitedly.**

"'**Ow come you di'n't tell us 'oo you are, eh, Neville?" said Stan, beaming at Harry, while Ernie's owlish peered interestedly over Stan's shoulder.**

Remus: 'Cos he didn't want to be found, DUH!

Katie: Of course he didn't want to be caught! Jeez, they're all stupid in this book!

"**And a _private_ parlor, please, Tom," said Fudge pointedly.**

"'**Bye," Harry said miserably to Stan and Ern as Tom beckoned Fudge toward the passage that led from the bar.**

"'**Bye, Neville!" called Stan.**

Lily: Stop calling my son 'Neville'! His name is _Harry_! ::has a fit::

**Fudge marched Harry along the narrow passage after Tom's lantern, and then into a small parlor. Tom clicked his fingers, a fire burst into life in the grate, and he bowed himself out of the room.**

"**Sit down, Harry," said Fudge, indicating a chair by the fire.**

Lily: What if Harry doesn't _want_ to sit?

James: Calm down, Lils. There's nothing you can do about it now. He's not going to be born for a while. A loooong while. And we're going to be dead, if you remember.

**Harry sat down, feeling goose bumps rising up his arms despite the glow of the fire. Fudge took off his pinstriped cloak and tossed it aside, then hitched up the trousers of his bottle-green suit and sat down opposite Harry.**

Katie: I have goose bumps right now, but that's because I'm cold.

Sirius: Katie, I hate to tell you this, but it's July right now. It's 87 degrees outside, and it's warm inside as well. How can you be _cold_?

Katie: blinks Because it's Christmas in my time, and I'm only half here?

Sirius: Yeah, I guess that might do it…

"**I am Cornelius Fudge, Harry. The Minister of Magic."**

Remus: Have you noticed that we've gotten incredibly off-subject lately? We were talking about goose bumps and the word 'gleefully'. How off-subject can you _get_?

**Harry already knew this, of course; he had seen Fudge once before, but as he was wearing his father's Invisibility Cloak at the time, Fudge wasn't to know that.**

James: My son saw the Minister of Magic under the Invisibility Cloak and the Minister didn't notice? I'm so proud!

**Tom the innkeeper reappeared, wearing an apron over his nightshirt and bearing a tray of tea and crumpets. He placed the tray on a table between Fudge and Harry and left the parlor, closing the door behind him.**

Katie: I want tea and crumpets! Er…what are crumpets?

Lily: ;

"Well, Harry," said Fudge, pouring out tea, "you've all had us all in a right flap, I don't mind telling you. Running away from your aunt and uncle's house like that! I'd started to think… but you're safe, and that's what matters."

Remus: Secretive much?

**Fudge buttered himself a crumpet and pushed the plate toward Harry.**

"**Eat, Harry, you look dead on your feet. Now then… You will be pleased to hear that we have dealt with the unfortunate blowing-up of Miss Marjorie Dursley. Two members of the Accidental Magic Reversal Department were dispatched to Privet Drive a few hours ago. Miss Dursley has been punctured and her memory has been modified. She has no recollection of the incident at all. So that's that, and no harm done."**

Sirius: Damn, and I was hoping she would stay on the ceiling forever!

**Fudge smiled at Harry over the rim of his teacup, rather like an uncle surveying a favorite nephew. **

Lily: Well, he seems nice enough…

Katie: Well, I suppose it depends on your definition of 'nice'…

Lily: Why?

Katie: ::throws OotP at Lily:: Read that and you'll find out.

**Harry, who couldn't believe his ears, opened his mouth to speak, couldn't think of anything to say, and closed it again.**

Sirius: I dunno where he got that from – neither James nor Lily can keep their mouths shut…

James/Lily: HEY!

Sirius: Well, it's _true_…

"**Ah, you're worrying about the reaction of your aunt and uncle?" said Fudge. "Well, I won't deny that they are extremely angry, Harry, but they are prepared to take you back next summer as long as you stay at Hogwarts for the Christmas and Easter holidays."**

Lily: NO! DON'T SEND HIM BACK TO PETUNIA AND VERNON!

Katie: There's a good reason for that, you know…

**Harry unstuck his throat.**

"**I _always_ stay at Hogwarts for the Christmas and Easter holidays," he said, "and I don't ever want to go back to Privet Drive."**

Peter: You tell him, Harry!

"**Now, now, I'm sure you'll feel differently once you've calmed down," said Fudge ina worried tone. "They are your family, after all, and I'm sure you are fond of each other – er – _very_ deep down."**

Lily: ::snorts:: Psh, yeah right.

**It didn't occur to Harry to put Fudge right. He was still waiting to hear what was to going to happen to him now.**

"**So all that remains," said Fudge, now buttering himself a second crumpet, "is to decide where you're going to spend the last two weeks of your vacation. I suggest you take a room here at the Leaky Cauldron and –"**

James: Hang on, what about his punishment?

"**Hang on," blurted Harry. "What about my punishment?"**

Remus/Peter/Sirius/Lily/Katie: ::backs away::

James: Whaaaaaaaaaat? What about his punishment? Shouldn't he get one? He broke the law!

**Fudge blinked.**

"**Punishment?"**

"**I broke the law!" Harry said. "The Decree for the Restriction of Underage Wizardry!"**

"**Oh, my dear boy, we're not going to punish you for a little thing like that!" cried Fudge, waving his crumpet impatiently. "It was an accident! We don't send people to Azkaban just for blowing up their aunts!"**

Sirius: They DON'T?

Remus: Don't even THINK about it, Sirius.

Sirius: But but but… Remus, they don't send people to Azkaban for it! Why can't I blow up my aunt?

Remus: Because it's NOT RIGHT!

Sirius: So?

**But this didn't tally with Harry's past dealings with the Ministry of Magic.**

"**Last year, I got an official warning just because a house-elf smashed a pudding in my uncle's house!" he told Fudge, frowning. "The Ministry of Magic said I'd be expelled from Hogwarts if there was any more magic there!"**

Lily: Hey, James, you wanna kill the Ministry of Magic with me?

James: Gladly…

**Unless Harry's eyes were deceiving him, Fudge was suddenly looking awkward.**

"**Circumstances change, Harry…. We have to take into account… in the present climate… Surely you don't _want_ to be expelled?"**

Remus: Of course he doesn't!

"**Of course I don't," said Harry.**

James: SEE? IT'S CONTAGIOUS!

"**Well then, what's all the fuss about?" laughed Fudge. "Now, have a crumpet, Harry, while I go and see if Tom's got a room for you."**

**Fudge strode out of the parlor and Harry stared after him. There was something extremely odd going on. Why had Fudge been waiting for him at the Leaky Cauldron, if not to punish him for what he'd done? And now Harry came to think of it, surely it wasn't usual for the Minister of Magic _himself_ to get involved in matters of underage magic?**

Sirius: The Minister of Magic didn't get involved when _I_ broke the Decree for the Restriction of Underage Wizardry! I don't feel special now!

**Fudge came back, accompanied by Tom the innkeeper.**

"**Room eleven's free, Harry," said Fudge. "I think you'll be very comfortable. Just one thing, and I'm sure you'll understand… I don't want you wandering of into Muggle London, all right? Keep to Diagon Alley. And you're to be back here before dark each night. Sure you'll understand. Tom will be keeping an eye on you for me."**

Remus: Why does he have to stay in Diagon Alley and be back before dark?

Lily: Because there's a killer on the loose.

Sirius: ME!

Lily: Black, that's not a GOOD thing…

"**Okay," said Harry slowly, "but why –?"**

"**Don't want to lose you again, do we?" said Fudge with a hearty laugh. "No, no… best we know where you are… I mean…"**

Peter: You mean _what_?

**Fudge cleared his throat loudly and picked up his pinstriped cloak.**

"**Well, I'll be off, plenty to do, you know…"**

"**Have you had any luck with Black yet?" Harry asked.**

Sirius: HEY! My name is _Sirius_! Not _Black_! Honestly, James, Lily, can't your kid keep my name straight?

**Fudge's finger slipped on the silver fastenings of his cloak.**

"**What's that? Oh, you've heard – well, no, not yet, but it's only a matter of time. The Azkaban guards have never yet failed… and they are angrier than I've ever seen them."**

Peter: ::shudders:: I would _hate_ to see that, seriously.

**Fudge shuddered slightly.**

"**So, I'll say good-bye."**

**He held out his hand and Harry, shaking it, had a sudden idea.**

"**Er – Minister? Can I ask you something?"**

Katie: Let's take bets! Who thinks they know what Harry is going to ask?

Lily: I know! He's going to ask whether or not Fudge can sign his slip to go to Hogsmeade!

Katie: You looked in the book, didn't you?

Lily: …So?

Katie: CHEATER CHEATER PUMPKIN EATER! Mna!

"**Certianly," said Fudge with a smile.**

"**Well, third years at Hogwarts are allowed to visit Hogsmeade, but my aunt and uncle didn't sign the permission form. D'you think you could -?"**

Lily: SEE? I WAS RIGHT!

Sirius: Yeah, 'cos you cheated.

**Fudge was looking uncomfortable.**

"**Ah," he said. "No, no, I'm very sorry, Harry, but as I'm not your parent or guardian –"**

James: But he's the Minister of Magic! If he gave Harry permission, then he would be able to go!

"**But you're the Minister of Magic," said Harry eagerly. "If you gave me permission –"**

"**No, I'm sorry, Harry, but rules are rules," said Fudge flatly. "Perhaps you'll be able to visit Hogsmeade next year. In fact, I think it's best if you don't… yes… well, I'll be off. Enjoy your stay, Harry."**

Katie: Still think that Fudge is nice, Lily?

Lily: …NO!

**And with a last smile and shake of Harry's hand, Fudge left the room. Tom now moved forward, beaming at Harry.**

Katie: How do you 'beam' at somebody? I don't get that…

"**If you'll follow me, Mr. Potter," he said, "I've already taken your things up…"**

James: Now _that_ was nice. Imagine if Harry actually had to take up his own things – all by himself!

Katie: Yeah, imagine if Harry actually had to do some WORK! fake gasps

**Harry followed Tom up a handsome wooden staircase to a door with a brass number eleven on it, which Tom unlocked and opened for him.**

**Inside was a very comfortable-looking bed, some highly polished oak furniture, a cheerfully crackling fire and, perched on top of the wardrobe –**

Katie: Who wants to take bets on what it is? Lily, you don't count!

Lily: HMPH!

Sirius: I bet it's a FLUFFY PINK BUNNY OF DOOM!

James: x.x;

"**Hedwig!" Harry gasped.**

Sirius: ::disappointed:: Not a fluffy pink bunny of DOOM?

Remus: Evidently not.

**The snowy owl clicked her beak and fluttered down onto Harry's arm.**

"**Very smart owl you've got there," chuckled Tom. "Arrived about five minutes after you did. If there's anything you need, Mr. Potter, don't hesitate to ask."**

Sirius: Harry should ask if Tom has any cheese to eat.

Everyone else: …?

Sirius: ::looking around:: What? Cheese is good!

**He gave another bow and left.**

**  
Harry sat on his bed for a long time, absentmindedly stroking Hedwig. The sky outside the window was changing rapidly from deep, velvety blue to cold, steely gray, and then, slowly to pink shot with gold. Harry could hardly believe that he'd left Privet Drive only a few hours ago, that he wasn't expelled, and that he was now facing two completely Dursley-free weeks.**

James: YAY! NO DURSLEYS!

Lily: YAY!

"**It's been a very weird night, Hedwig," he yawned.**

Sirius: Yes it has! Blowing up an aunt, running away, and ending up in the Leaky Cauldron is certainly weird.

Remus: You can say that again…

Sirius: Yes it has! Blo-

Remus: interrupting Sirius, I didn't mean it LITERALLY!

Sirius: …Oh.

**And without even removing his glasses, he slumped back onto his pillows and fell asleep. **

Lily: And that's the end of the third chapter.

Katie: I betcha all the readers are pretty happy that I FINALLY finished. And on Christmas, too! Chipmunks roasting on an open fire, hot sauce dripping from their toes… Happy Christmahanukwanzadan to all! I love you all!

Sirius: Er, Katie, there's nobody here but us…

Katie: …shut up and say goodbye for now!

Everyone: Bye 'til next chapter!

And there you have it – another chapter. 29 pages in MSWord. It took me a whole year, but I hope it's to your satisfaction. Plus, I didn't work on it for, like, 10 months, and then I could barely work on it, period. It takes a LOT of time to type up the chapters.

Happy Christmahanukwanzadan to all, and to all a good night!


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: **I do NOT own anything bolded. Except for the word 'Disclaimer'. Anyway, it all belongs to JK Rowling and whoever else it actually belongs to. NOT ME. Please don't sue. You'd only get my lerfly new homecoming dress, which you'd have to fight me for tooth and nail.

FINALLY! I DID IT! AREN'T YOU GUYS PROUD OF ME! It took me several months, but I finally did it. Much thanks to whoever made me sick, most likely somebody at school. Yeah, I'm sick today.

Becki is in here only because she bugged me SO much, but this is a one-time thing. She won't be back, and none of my friends will be in. So if she bothers you, don't bother flaming me – I won't change this whole chapter – but you can skip the chapter and next chapter will be Katie and the gang only. And she really can't count.

So… enjoy. Review because they make me happy!

* * *

-The gang – minus Lily – is waiting in James' room. Katie hasn't shown up yet- 

Door: Knock, knock!

Peter: AHHHHHHHHHHHH! THE DROIDS ARE INVADING!

James: Pete, it's just someone knocking at the door. COME IN!

Door: -opens and a blonde someone walks in-

Sirius: KATIE! Oh wait… you're not Katie. Who the hell are you?

Mysterious girl: -puts her hands over her ears- VIRGIN EARS! –takes hands off ears- OK, maybe not. I hang around with Katie, so I hear a lot.

All except MG: …

James: That doesn't explain who you are, and WHY YOU'RE IN MY HOUSE!

Girl: Don't yell at me! My friends do it enough! Well, Katie's stuck at her house and she thought that it would be good to FINALLY get a chapter out after almost a year, so she went me! Her parents are having some stupid work party with 110 people, and so she locked herself up in her room and sent me instead. She should be joining us sometime. My name's Becki, by the way.

James: Man, Muggles have work parties too? I hate my parents' work parties! They're so BORING!

Sirius: They're only fun if you spike the punch!

Becki: With Mike's Hard Lemonade? –looks hopeful-

Sirius: …what's that? I spike it with firewhiskey, duh.

Becki: -looks disappointed, then looks around- Hey, where's Lily? Katie said she was always here…

Remus: She's not here yet.

Becki: -frowns- That's not good! We need her here!

Door: Knock, knock!

Peter: AHHHHHHH! IT'S THE-

James: Shut up, Peter. COME IN!

Door: -opens and Lily walks in-

Lily: Hey! What did I miss? And who's she?

Becki: I'm Becki! And I'm here because Katie sent me!

Lily: OK… whatever. Are we gonna read or not?

Becki: Go ahead. I can't read. Or count.

Sirius: Katie's gone! Does that mean I can read it?

Lily: NO! MY BOOK! –snatches it from Becki's hands-

All: O.O

Lily: Imma read, and you can't stop me!

Remus: OK! Read then! Just don't attack us!

**It took Harry several days to get used to his strange new freedom. Never before had he been able to get up whenever he wanted or eat whatever he fancied. **

James: -horrified- He's never been able to get up whenever he wants or eat anything he wants? My poor boy!

Lily: -gasps- Poor Harry!

**He could even go wherever he pleased, as long as it was in Diagon Alley, and as this long cobbled street was packed with the most fascinating wizarding shops in the world, Harry felt no desire to break his word to Fudge and stray back into the Muggle world.**

Sirius: I don't blame him! Muggle London is SCARY! It's all busy and it's got these horseless carriages that make noise!

Becki: What, cars? Haha, I'll be driving those in less than two years!

Lily: O.O I don't think anyone would trust you with a car…

Becki: …HEY! THAT WAS MEAN!

James and Sirius: -sniggers-

Becki: …BOTHER! –pokes both of them-

**Harry ate breakfast each morning in the Leaky Cauldron, where he liked watching the other guests: funny little witches from the country, up for a day's shopping; venerable-looking wizards arguing over the latest article in _Transfiguration Today_; wild-looking warlocks; raucous dwarfs; and once, what looked suspiciously like a hag, who ordered a plate of raw liver from behind a thick woolen balaclava.**

Peter: Raw liver? EWWWWWWWIE!

Becki: Raw meat in general, EWWWWWWIE!

Remus: No comment.

**After breakfast Harry would go out into the backyard, take out his wand, tap the third brick from the left above the trash bin, and stand back as the archway into Diagon Alley opened in the wall.**

**Harry spent the long sunny days exploring the shops and eating under the brightly colored umbrellas outside cafes, where his fellow diners were showing one another their purchases ("it's a lunascope, old boy – no more messing around with moon charts, see?") or else discussing the case of Sirius Black ("personally, I won't let any of the children out alone until he's back in Azkaban").**

Sirius: UGH! GRRR!

James: Turn off the caps lock, mate.

**Harry didn't have to do his homework under the blankets by flashlight anymore; now he could sit in the bright sunshine outside Florean Fortescue's Ice Cream Parlor, finishing all his essays with occasional help from Florean Fortescue himself, who, apart from knowing a great deal about medieval witch burnings, gave Harry free sundaes every half hour.**

Becki: HEY! NO FAIR!

Sirius: Ditto! James, Lily, your kid is SPOILED!

Remus: That's, like, 48 sundaes a day!

James: Can we help it that everyone likes him? Can we help that he's magnificent?

Peter: Yeah, right…

**Once Harry had refilled his money bag with gold Galleons, silver Sickles, and bronze Knuts from his vault at Gringotts, he had to exercise a lot of self-control not to spend the whole lot at once. **

Lily: More self-control than James has got… good boy.

James: Hey, just because I'm special doesn't mean I don't have any self-control.

Remus: -snorts-

**He had to keep reminding himself that he had five years to go at Hogwarts, and how it would feel to ask the Dursleys for money for spellbooks, to stop himself from buying a handsome set of solid gold Gobstones (a wizarding game rather like marbles, in which the stones squirt a nasty-smelling liquid into the other player's face when they lose a point). He was sorely tempted, too, but the perfect, moving model of the galaxy in a large glass ball, which would have meant he never had to take another Astronomy lesson. But the thing that tested Harry's resolution most appeared in his favorite shop, Quality Quidditch Supplies, a week after he'd arrived at the Leaky Cauldron.**

Sirius: OOH! I LOVE THAT SHOP!

James: -imitating Sirius- OOH! ME TOO!

Becki: OOH! ME FOUR! …oh, wait. That's not right, is it?

Peter: Of course it is!

Lily: …You people are hopeless…

**Curious to know what the crowd in the shop was staring at, Harry edged his way inside and squeezed in among the excited witches and wizards until he glimpsed a newly erected podium, on which was mounted the most magnificent broom he had ever seen in his life.**

James: It can't be better than my Nimbus 1000!

Becki: Says who?

James: Says ME!

Becki: So? Only MY word is law!

"**Just come out – prototype –" a square-jawed wizard was telling his companion.**

"**It's the fastest broom in the world, isn't it, Dad?" squeaked a boy younger than Harry, who was swinging off his father's arm.**

"**Irish International Side's just put in an order for seven of these beauties!" the proprietor of the shop told the crowd. And they're favorites for the World Cup!"**

**A large witch in front of Harry moved, and he was able to read the sign next to the broom:**

**The Firebolt**

**This state-of-the-art racing broom sports a stream-lined, superfine handle of ash, treated with a diamond-hard polish and hand-numbered with its own registration number. Each individually selected birch twig in the broomtail has been honed to aerodynamic perfection, giving the Firebolt unsurpassable balance and pinpoint precision . The Firebolt has an acceleration of 150 miles an hour in ten seconds and incorporates an unbreakable Breaking Charm. Price on request.**

Remus: I don't know much about brooms, but… that sounds nice.

James: Nice! It sounds like heaven! 150 miles an hour in ten seconds? My Nimbus only goes 90 miles an hour in ten seconds!

Becki: -points and laughs-

James: What was that for?

Becki: Dunno… -pokes James- BOTHER!

**Price on request… Harry didn't like to think how much gold the Firebolt would cost. He had never wanted anything as much in his whole life – but he had never lost a Quidditch match on his Nimbus Two Thousand, and what was the point in emptying his Gringotts vault for the Firebolt, when he had a very good broom already? Harry didn't ask for the price, but he returned, almost every day after that, just to look at the Firebolt.**

Peter: Price on request sounds pretty bad, doesn't it?

Remus: Yeah, it does.

James: HA! Harry's got a Nimbus that he uses and wins on! My choice of brooms comes through once again!

Becki: Actually, if you want to get technical about it, Professor McGonagall picked his broom out for him. He didn't have a choice.

James: Sure, steal my sunshine, why don't you.

Becki: That's what I'm here for!

**There were, however, things that Harry needed to buy. He went to the Apothecary to replenish his store of potions ingredients, and as his school robes were now several inches too short in the arm and leg, he visited Madam Malkin's Robes for All Occasions and bought new ones. Most important of all, he had to buy his new schoolbooks which would include those for his two new subjects, Care of Magical Creatures and Divination.**

James: What's he want to take Divination for? The professor's weird.

Becki: There's a new teacher, stupid. See, I know because I read the third through sixth books. So THERE!

Lily: I thought you couldn't read…

Becki: Uhm… well…er… only school things! That's it! And icky stuff, like the fanfics Kinsey reads!

Lily: -.-;

**Harry got a surprise as he looked in at the bookshop window. Instead of the usual display of gold-embossed spellbooks the size of paving slabs,**

Peter: Wow, the books must be BIIIIIIIIIG…

Sirius: Peter, you prat, you've been to Flourish and Blotts! You know how big they are!

Peter: Well, they might have grown!

All except Peter: -.-;

**there was a large iron cage behind the glass that held about a hundred copies of _The Monster Book of Monsters_. Torn pages were flying everywhere as the books grappled with each other, locked together in furious wrestling matches and snapping aggressively. **

Becki: BOOK VIOLENCE! FUN!

Sirius: DITTO!

James: TURN OFF THE CAPS LOCK ALREADY!

Lily: Haha, caps lock is off for me… I'm special. Hey, doesn't Harry already have that book? The one that Hagrid sent him, that nearly attacked him? Why would those be in the window?

**Harry pulled his booklist out of his pocket and consulted it for the first time. _The Monster Book of Monsters_ was listed as the required book for Care of Magical Creatures. Now Harry understood why Hagrid had said it would come in useful. He felt relieved; he had been wondering whether Hagrid wanted help with some terrifying new pet.**

Remus: See, _that's_ why Hagrid sent him one! I wonder how he knew… I mean, he's not a teacher, is he? So how would he know?

Becki: -snickers- Haha, I know and you don't!

James: You're annoying.

Becki: And you like stating the obvious.

**As Harry entered Flourish and Blotts, the manager came hurrying towards him.**

"**Hogwarts?" he said abruptly. "Come to get your new books?"**

"**Yes," said Harry, "I need-"**

"**Get out of the way," said the manager impatiently, brushing Harry aside. He drew on a pair of very thick gloves, picked up a large, knobbly walking stick, and proceeded toward the door of the _Monster Books' _cage.**

Peter: But he doesn't need one of those! Why is the manager getting him one?

James: He doesn't KNOW he's got one, Pete. Don't be so thick.

"**Hang on," said Harry quickly. "I've already got one of those."**

Peter: SEE!

Remus: We believed you… we just thought that your comment was superfluous.

Becki: Don't use big words around me! I get confused enough with three and four letter words!

"**Have you?" A look of enormous relief spread over the manager's face. "Thank heavens for that. I've been bitten five times already this morning-"**

Becki: Ouch… you know I can't count to five. I don't see how anyone else can.

Sirius: One, two, four, three, five! …crap.

Becki: HAHA! You've been infected with the Becki curse! Katie has it, too. But nobody has it as bad as me! Once I skipped one!

Lily: O.O How did you do that?

Becki: I went, zero, two, three…

All except Becki and Peter: -.-;

Peter: I did that once!

Becki: Did not. Did anyone besides me notice how extremely off-topic we keep getting?

**A loud ripping noise rent the air; two of the _Monster Books_ had seized a third and were pulling it apart.**

Sirius: Haha, MORE book violence!

Becki: w00t!

"**Stop it! Stop it!" cried the manager, poking the walking stick through the bars and knocking the books apart. "I'm never stocking them again, never! It's been bedlam! I thought we'd seen the worst when we bought two hundred copies of the _Invisible Book of Invisibility_ – cost a fortune and we never found them… **

Remus: Well, _that _was stupid. The _Invisible Book of Invisibility_? Honestly, how thick can you get?

Peter: What's wrong with that?

Remus: …

**Well… is there anything else I can help you with?"**

"**Yes," said Harry, looking down his booklist, "I need _Unfogging the Future_ by Cassandra Vablatsky."**

Peter: Divination is stupid. It told me I would bring about a reign of terror not my own. How dumb is that?

All except Peter: -edges away-

"**Ah, starting Divination, are you?" said the Manager, stripping off his gloves and leading Harry into the back of the shop, where there was a corner devoted to fortune-telling. A small table was stacked with volumes such as _Predicting the Unpredictable: Insulate Yourself Against Shocks_ and _Broken Balls: When Fortunes Turn Foul_.**

"**Here you are," said the manager, who had climbed a set of steps to take down a thick, black-bound book. "_Unfogging the Future_. Very good guide to all your basic fortune-telling methods – palmistry, crystal balls, bird entrails-"**

Becki: How do you tell the future through _bird guts_?

Remus: Dunno. Divination is stupid, though. Especially with our teacher teaching it.

**But Harry wasn't listening. His eyes had fallen on another book, which was among a display on a small table: _Death Omens: What to Do When You Know the Worst Is Coming_.**

James: Dun dun DUN!

"**Oh, I wouldn't read that if I were you," said the manager lightly, looking to see what Harry was staring at. "You'll start seeing death omens everywhere. It's enough to frighten anyone to death."**

Becki: Scare him to death! Scare him to death!

James/Lily: -growls-

"**But Harry continued to stare at the front cover of the book; it showed a black dog large as a bear, with gleaming eyes. It looked oddly familiar….**

Peter: Sirius!

Sirius: What? Oh… shut up. –shoots warning glare in Peter's direction-

Peter: -misses warning look- It's you on the cover?

Sirius: -through clenched teeth- If you say one more word of that in front of Lily, I'll break your jaw so you can't talk for a month.

Peter: Meep?

**The manager pressed _Unfogging the Future_ into Harry's hands.**

"**Anything else?" he said.**

"**Yes," said Harry, tearing his eyes away from the dog's and dazedly consulting his booklist. "Er – I need _Intermediate Transfiguration_ and _The Standard Book of Spells, Grade Three_."**

Becki: Why does he need TWO books for Transfiguration? Isn't one enough to memorize?

Lily: Well, _The Standard Book of Spells_ has charms in it, too, It's not just Transfiguration.

**Harry emerged from Flourish and Blotts ten minutes later with his new books under his arms and made his way back to the Leaky Cauldron, hardly noticing where he was going and bumping into several people.**

Becki: I do that, but it's in the halls of high school, and I have no choice if I want to get to class on time.

**He tramped up the stairs to his room, went inside, and tipped his books onto his bed. Somebody had been in to tidy; the windows were open and sun was pouring inside. Harry could hear the buses rolling by in the unseen Muggle street behind him and the sound of the invisible crowd below in Diagon Alley. He caught sight of himself in the mirror over the basin. **

"**It can't have been a death omen," he told his reflection defiantly. "I was panicking when I saw that thing in Magnolia Crescent… It was probably just a stray dog…."**

Peter: S-

Sirius: -covers Peter's mouth- Shut up about that!

Lily: Am I not getting something here?

James: Nah, not at all.

Becki: -snorts, even though she never snorts-

**He raised his hair automatically and tried to make his hair lie flat. **

"**You're fighting a losing battle there, dearie," said his mirror in a wheezy voice.**

James: Yeah, if he's my kid he is. –runs his hand through his hair absently-

Lily: Stop doing that…

James: Or what?

Lily: Or I'll hex you.

Sirius: Ooh, a lovers' quarrel!

James/Lily: Shut. Up.

**As the days slipped by, Harry started looking wherever he went for a sign of Ron or Hermione. Plenty of Hogwarts students were arriving in Diagon Alley now, with the start of term so near. Harry met Seamus Finnigan and Dean Thomas, his fellow Gryffindors, in Quality Quidditch Supplies, where they too were ogling the Firebolt; he also ran into the real Neville Longbottom, a round-faced, forgetful boy, outside Flourish and Blotts. Harry didn't stop to chat; Neville appeared to have mislaid his booklist and was being told off by his very formidable-looking grandmother. Harry hoped she never found out that he'd pretended to be Neville while on the run from Ministry of Magic. **

Sirius: HA! Wouldn't that be hilarious?

Remus: Not for Neville's grandmother… she would be mad.

James: No kidding… I'd be furious if somebody used Harry's name while they were on the run from the Ministry…

Becki: But you'll be DEAD! –cackles-

James: Don't remind me.

**Harry woke on the last day of the holidays, thinking that he would at least meet Ron and Hermione tomorrow, on the Hogwarts Express. He got up, dressed, went for a last look at the Firebolt, and was just wondering where he'd have lunch, when someone yelled his name and he turned.**

"**Harry! HARRY!"**

New voice: -mocking- Harry! HARRY!

All: -turns and looks at the usual blue swirling vortex thingie on the wall and the girl coming out of it-

Becki: Katie! You made it out of the party!

Katie: I snuck out. I missed you guys!

Sirius: Aww, I feel special. I'm loved by a maniacal Slytherin-type fourteen-year-old girl from the future.

Katie: Hey. I'll be 15 in less than three months. Give me some credit!

Remus: -clears throat- Well. Anyways, can we get back to the story!

**They were there, both of them, sitting outside Florean Fortescue's Ice Cream Parlor – Ron looking incredibly freckly, Hermione very brown, both waving frantically at him.**

Katie: Bet you couldn't have guessed that…

Peter: I didn't!

Becki: Well, you're PETER. That explains a lot.

Peter: That's rather mean.

Remus: Yeah, it was. Don't insult our friend like that, or you can leave.

Katie: You wait until the end. I'm giving you foreshadowing here, by the way. I'm sure my English teacher would be ecstatic.

"**Finally!" said Ron, grinning at Harry as he sat down. "We went to the Leaky Cauldron, but they said you'd left, and we went to Flourish and Blotts, and Madam Malkin's, and-"**

James: He's been there already!

Katie: Silly Ron. I don't like him, anyway. Draco Malfoy's much better. And hotter.

Becki: Ewwww.

Lily: What's being warm have to do with anything?

Katie: Hot don't mean just temperature in our time. It means 'very cute' or something to that extent.

Remus: Off subject again… grr.

"**I got all my school stuff last week," Harry explained. "And how come you knew I'm staying at the Leaky Cauldron?"**

"**Dad," said Ron simply.**

**Mr. Weasley, who worked at the Ministry of Magic, would of course have heard the whole story of what had happened to Aunt Marge.**

"**Did you _really_ blow up your aunt, Harry?" said Hermione in a very serious voice.**

James: Of course he did! I'm rather proud of him-

Lily: -glares at him-

James: -but he would still be punished.

Katie: If you were alive.

James: Err, yeah. That too.

"**I didn't mean to," said Harry, while Ron roared with laughter. "I just – lost control."**

Sirius: I'll say he lost control! It was hilarious!

"**It's not funny, Ron," said Hermione sharply. "Honestly, I'm amazed Harry wasn't expelled."**

"**So am I," admitted Harry. "Forget expelled, I thought I was going to get arrested." He looked at Ron. "Your dad doesn't know why Fudge let me off, does he?"**

Remus: From clues earlier in the book, I'd hazard a guess that Fudge let him off because it's Harry, the wizarding world hero.

James: Don't talk like that, all formal and stuff. It's confusing.

"**Probably 'cause it's you, isn't it?" shrugged Ron, still chuckling. "Famous Harry Potter and all that. I'd hate to see what the Ministry'd do to _me_ if I blew up an aunt. Mind you, they'd have to dig me up first, because Mum would've killed me. Anyway, you can ask Dad yourself this evening. We're staying at the Leaky Cauldron tonight too! So you can come to King's Cross with us tomorrow! Hermione's there as well!"**

**Hermione nodded, beaming. "Mum and Dad dropped me off this morning with all my Hogwarts things."**

"**Excellent!" said Harry happily. "So, have you got all your new books and stuff?"**

"**Look at this," said Ron, pulling a long thin box out of a bag and opening it. "Brand new wand. Fourteen inches, will, containing one unicorn tail-hair. And we've got all our books-" He pointed at a large bag under his chair. "What about those _Monster Books_, eh? The assistant nearly cried when we said we wanted two."**

Sirius: Poor assistant…

James: Yeah, right. You're only saying that because you're laughing at him inside. Laugh at someone else's misfortune isn't very nice, Padfoot.

"**What's all that, Hermione?" Harry asked, pointing at not one but three bulging bags in the chair next to her.**

Sirius: THREE? One I could understand, but THREE!

Remus: Some people like to take extra subjects, Sirius.

Sirius: Like who? Who would be that crazy to take extra courses?

Remus: Like me.

Sirius: Oh yeah…

"**Well, I'm taking more new subjects than you, aren't I?" said Hermione. "Those are my books for Arithmancy, Care of Magical Creatures, Divination, the Study of Ancient Runes, Muggle Studies-"**

Peter: Isn't she a Mud-er, Muggle-born? What is she taking Muggle Studies for?

"**What are you doing Muggle Studies for?" said Ron, rolling his eyes at Harry. "You're Muggle-born! Your mum and dad are Muggles! You already know all about Muggles!"**

"**But it'll be fascinating to study them from the wizarding point of view," said Hermione earnestly.**

"**Are you planning to eat or sleep all this year, Hermione?" asked Harry, while Ron sniggered. **

Lily: They're awfully mean to Hermione…

James: Well, weren't we like that to you?

Lily: Exactly! I'm SO going to punish Harry!

Katie: Will you PLEASE stop saying that? You CAN'T PUNISH HARRY!

**Hermione ignored them.**

Lily: Good girl.

"**I've still got ten Galleons," she said, checking her purse. "It's my birthday in September, and Mum and Dad gave me some money to get myself an early birthday present."**

"**How about a nice _book_?" said Ron innocently.**

"**No, I don't think so," said Hermione composedly. "I really want an owl. I mean, Harry's got Hedwig and you've got Errol-"**

"**I haven't," said Ron. "Errol's a family owl. All I've got is Scabbers." He pulled his pet rat out of his pocket. "And I want to get him checked over," he added, placing Scabbers on the table in front of them. "I don't think Egypt agreed with him."**

**Scabbers was looking thinner than usual, and there was a definite droop to his whiskers.**

Peter: Poor rat… yeah, I guess Egypt didn't agree with him.

Sirius: No kidding. And with a name like Scabbers, who can blame him?

"**There's a magical creature shop just over there," said Harry, who knew Diagon Alley very well by now. "You could see if they've got anything for Scabbers, and Hermione can get her owl."**

**So they paid for their ice cream and crossed the street to the Magical Menagerie.**

**There wasn't much room inside. Every inch of wall was hidden by cages. It was smelly and very noisy because of the occupants of the cages were all squeaking, squawking, jabbering, or hissing. The witch behind the counter was already advising a wizard on the care of double-ended newts, so Harry, Ron, and Hermione waited, examining the cages.**

Sirius: I had one of those once, a double-ended newt. It had an allergic reaction to my spell to turn it purple, though. It popped.

Lily: Ewwww, SO didn't need to hear that…

**A pair of enormous purple toads sat gulping wetly and feasting on dead blowflies. A gigantic tortoise with a jewel-encrusted shell was glittering near the window. Poisonous orange snails were oozing slowly up the side of their glas tank, and a fat white rabbit kept changing into a silk top hat and back again with a loud popping noise. Then there were cats of every color, a noisy cage of ravens, a basket of funny custard-colored furballs that were humming loudly, and on the counter, a vast cage of sleek black rats that were playing some sort of skipping game using their long, bald tails.**

Katie: Kneazles!

Lily: …what?

Katie: The custard-colored furballs are Kneazles! I want one! Or a raven…

**The double-ended newt wizard left, and Ron approached the counter.**

"**It's my rat," he told the witch. "He's been a bit off-color ever since I brought him back from Egypt."**

"**Bang him on the counter," said the witch, pulling a pair of heavy black spectacles out of her pocket.**

**Ron lifted Scabbers out of his inside pocket and placed him next to the cage of his fellow rats, who had stopped their skipping tricks and scuffled to the wire for a better look.**

**Like nearly everything Ron owned, Scabbers the rat was second-hand (he had once belonged to Ron's brother Percy) and a bit battered. Next to the glossy rats in the cage, he looked especially woebegone.**

"**Hm," said the witch, picking up Scabbers. "How old is this rat?"**

"**Dunno," said Ron. "Quite old. He used to belong to my brother."**

BeckI: -whispers- Try a few decades…

Katie: -sniggers-

Peter: What?

Becki: -innocently- Nooooooothing…

"**What powers does he have?" said the witch, examining Scabbers closely.**

"**Er-" The truth was that Scabbers had never shown the faintest trace of interesting powers. The witche's eyes moved from Scabber's tattered left ear to his front paw, which had a toe missing, and tutted loudly.**

"**He's been through the mill, this one," she said.**

"**He was like that when Percy gave him to me," said Ron defensively.**

"**An ordinary common or garden rat like this can't be expected to live longer than three years or so," said the witch. "Now, if you were looking for something a bit more hard-wearing, you might like one of these-"**

**She indicated the black rats, who promptly started skipping again. **

James: Show-offs… I hate those. Show-offs, not rats.

**Ron muttered, "Show-offs."**

"**Well, if you don't want a replacement, you can try this rat tonic," said the witch, reaching under the counter and bringing out a small red bottle. **

"**Okay," said Ron. "How much – OUCH!"**

**Ron buckled as something huge and orange came soaring from the top of the highest cage, landed on his head, and then propelled itself, spitting madly, at Scabbers.**

James: Now, _that's_ funny.

"**NO, CROOKSHANKS, NO!" cried the witch, but Scabbers shot from between her hands like a bar of soap, landed play-legged on the floor, and then scampered for the door.**

Peter: Crookshanks is a weird name.

Katie: I'm sure a lot of cats have that name; after all, it's in a famous book. I mean, there's a baby out there named Harry James Potter, so I'm sure naming a cat after Crookshanks would be no problem for many people.

"**Scabbers!" Ron shouted, racing out of the shop after him; Harry followed.**

**It took them nearly ten minutes to catch Scabbers, who had taken refuge under a wastepaper bin outside Quality Quidditch Supplies. Ron stuffed the trembling rat back into his pocket and straightened up, massaging his head.**

"**What was that?"**

"**It was either a very big cat or quite a small tiger," said Harry.**

Sirius: Wouldn't it be cool if it was a tiger?

Remus: Sure, Sirius. Of _course_ it would be wonderful. Just remember that it's still wonderful when it kills Ron and Scabbers.

"**Where's Hermione?"**

"**Probably getting her owl-"**

**They made their way back up the crowded street to the Magical Menagerie. As they reached, Hermione came out, but she wasn't carrying an owl. Her arms were clamped tightly around the enormous ginger cat.**

James: She _bought_ it after it almost killed her best friend?

Katie: Oh, come on. It didn't almost kill him, it just jumped on top of him.

"**You _bought_ that monster?" said Ron, his mouth hanging open.**

"**He's _gorgeous_, isn't he?" said Hermione, glowing.**

**That was a matter of opinion, thought Harry. The cat's ginger fur was thick and fluffy, but it was definitely a bit bowlegged and its face looked grumpy and oddly squashed, as though it had run headlong into a brick wall. Now that Scabbers was out of sight, however, the cat was purring contentedly in Hermione's arms.**

Katie: That thing's half-kneazle, you know.

Peter: What's the other half?

Katie: …

James: I think the other half is cat, Peter.

"**Hermione, that thing nearly scalped me!" said Ron.**

"**He didn't mean to, did you, Crookshanks?" said Hermione.**

"**And what about Scabbers?" said Ron, pointing at the lump in his chest pocket. He needs rest and relaxation! How's he going to get it with that thing around?**

"**That reminds me, you forgot your rat tonic," said Hermione, slapping the small red bottle into Ron's hand. "And stop _worrying_, Crookshanks will be sleeping in my dormitory and Scabbers in yours, what's the problem? Poor Crookshanks, that witch said he'd been in there for ages; no one wanted him."**

Remus: Gee, wonder why. It could be considered ugly and it likes to almost scalp people.

Katie: Hey, anything could be considered ugly. Don't say that.

"**I wonder why," said Ron sarcastically as they set off towards the Leaky Cauldron.**

**They found Mr. Weasley sitting in the bar, reading the _Daily Prophet_.**

"**Harry!" he said, smiling as he looked up. "How are you?"**

"**Fine, thanks," said Harry as he, Ron, and Hermione joined Mr. Weasley with all their shopping.**

**Mr. Weasley put down his paper, and Harry saw the now familiar picture of Sirius Black staring up at him.**

"**They still haven't caught him, then?" he asked.**

Sirius: Will ANYONE tell me why I'm on the run?

"**No," said Mr. Weasley, looking extremely grave. **

Lily: There's your answer, Black. No, nobody will tell you.

Bla- I mean, Sirius: Well, at least they can't catch me…

"**They've pulled us all off our regular jobs at the Ministry to try and find him, but no luck so far."**

"**Would we get a reward if we caught him?" asked Ron. "It'd be good to get some more money-"**

Sirius: Now there's a PRICE on my head? Geez! I must be awesomer than I first thought!

James: Don't count on it, Sirius.

"**Don't be ridiculous, Ron," said Mr. Weasley, who on closer inspection looked very strained. "Black's not going to be caught by a thirteen-year-old wizard. It's the Azkaban guards who'll get him back, you mark my words."**

**At that moment Mrs. Weasley entered the bar, laden with shopping bags and followed by the twins, Fred and George, who were about to start their fifth year at Hogwarts; the newly elected Head Boy, Percy; and the Weasleys' youngest child and only girl, Ginny.**

**Ginny, who had always been very taken with Harry, seemed even more heartily embarrassed than usual when she saw him, perhaps because he had saved her life during their previous year at Hogwarts. **

James: Ooh, I read about that in that book you gave to us!

Katie: You read the book?

James: OK, I skimmed it…

Becki: That's all I ever do to books, especially with Katie's books. Oh, but not Pirates of the Caribbean. That I go through very carefully and point out the mistakes to whoever's there, even if they're not listening.

**She went very red and muttered "hello" without looking at him. Percy, however, held out his hand solemnly as though he and Harry had never met and said, "Harry. How nice to see you."**

James: He's even more polite than you, Remus! Wow, I never knew it was possible.

Remus: Shut up…

"**Hello, Percy," said Harry, trying not to laugh. **

"**I hope you're well?" said Percy pompously, shaking hands. It was rather like being introduced to the mayor.**

"**Very well, thanks-"**

"**Harry!" said Fred, elbowing Percy out of the way and bowing deeply. "Simply _splendid_ to see you, old boy-"**

Sirius: I think I like Fred. He's amusing.

James: You would think so…

"**Marvelous," said George, pushing Fred aside and seizing Harry's hand in turn. "Absolutely spiffing."**

Sirius: I like George too!

**Percy scowled.**

"**That's enough, now," said Mrs. Weasley.**

"**Mum!" said Fred as though he'd only just spotted her and seizing her hand too. "How really corking to see you-"**

James: OK, now I'm beginning to like Fred…

"**I said, that's enough," said Mrs. Weasley, depositing her shopping into an empty chair. "Hello, Harry, dear. I suppose you've heard our exciting news?" She pointed to the brand-new silver badge on Percy's chest. "Second Head Boy in the family!" she said, swelling with pride.**

"**And last," Fred muttered under his breath.**

"**I don't doubt that," said Mrs. Weasley, frowning suddenly. "I notice they haven't made you two prefects."**

"**What do we want to be prefects for?" said George, looking revolted at the very idea. "It'd take all the fun out of life."**

James: My thoughts exactly!

Remus: Being a prefect isn't that bad.

Lily: No, it's not. But I have to say, it's a good thing Potter and Black aren't prefects. The whole school'd blow up while they were 'exercising their authority'.

**Ginny giggled.**

"**You want to set a better example for your sister!" snapped Mrs. Weasley.**

"**Ginny's got other brothers to set her an example, Mother," said Percy loftily. "I'm going up to change for dinner. …"**

**He disappeared and George heaved a sigh.**

"**We tried to shut him in a pyramid," he told Harry. "But Mom spotted us."**

James/Sirius: -sniggers-

Peter: I wish they had shut him in a pyramid. He's too polite.

**Dinner that night was a very enjoyable affair. Tom the innkeeper put three tables together in the parlor, and the seven Weasleys, Harry, and Hermione ate their way through five delicious courses.**

"**How're we getting to King's Cross tomorrow, Dad?" asked Fred as they dug into a sumptuous chocolate pudding.**

"**The Ministry's providing a couple of cars," said Mr. Weasley.**

Becki: Why?

Katie: Becki, you already know!

Becki: I know; I just feel like being part of the action. I'm feeling a bit left out.

**Everyone looked up at him.**

"**Why?" said Percy curiously.**

"**It's because of you, Perce," said George seriously. "And there'll be little flags on the hoods, with HB on them-"**

"**-for Humongous Bighead," said Fred.**

Everyone: -laughs-

Sirius; I knew there was a reason I like the two!

**Everyone except Percy and Mrs. Weasley snorted into their pudding.**

"**Why are the Ministry providing cars, Father?" Percy asked again, in a dignified voice.**

"**We, as we haven't got one anymore," said Mr. Weasley. "-and as I work there, they're doing me a favor-"**

**His voice was casual, but Harry couldn't help noticing that Mr. Weasley's ears had gone red, just like Ron's did when he was under pressure.**

James: Ooh, he's LYING…

Katie: My French teacher taught us how to say 'you lie' in French, but I'm not going to say it here in case it's wrong and someone knows it. She also told us the verb 'to steal'.

Becki: REALLY? I WANNA HEAR!

Katie: Ahem, back to the story.

"**Good thing, too," said Mrs. Weasley briskly. "Do you realize how much luggage you've all got between you? A nice sight you'd be on the Muggle Underground. … You are all packed, aren't you?"**

"**Ron hasn't put all his new things in his trunk yet," said Percy in a long-suffering voice. "He's dumped them on my bed."**

"**You'd better go and pack properly, Ron, because we won't have much time in the morning," Mrs. Weasley called down the table. Ron scowled at Percy.**

Katie: Darn stick-in-the-mud…

**After dinner everyone felt very full and sleepy. One by one they made their way upstairs to their rooms to check their things for the next day. Ron and Percy were next door to Harry. He had just closed and locked his own trunk when he heard angry voices through the wall, and went to see what was going on.**

Remus: Curiosity killed the cat…

James: Hopefully it'll kill Crookshanks… he's rather annoying…

Katie: That's so mean, James. Wanting to kill a poor innocent cat?

**The door of number twelve was ajar and Percy was shouting.**

"**It was _here_, on the bedside table, I took it off for polishing-"**

"**I haven't touched it, all right?" Ron roared back.**

"**What's up?" said Harry.**

"**My Head Boy badge is gone," said Percy, rounding on Harry.**

Sirius: I hope somebody stole it. That'd serve Percy right…

"**So's Scabber's rat tonic," said Ron, throwing things out of his trunk to look. I think I might've left it in the bar-"**

"**You're not going anywhere till you've found my badge!" yelled Percy.**

"**I'll get Scabber's stuff, I'm packed," Harry said to Ron, and he went downstairs.**

**Harry was halfway along the passage to the bar, which was now very dark, when he heard another pair of angry voices coming from the parlor.**

Peter: Geez, this is the night for angry voices, isn't it?

Lily: Apparently so.

**A second later, he recognized them as Mr. and Mrs. Weasleys'. He hesitated, not wanting them to know he'd heard them arguing, when the sound of his own name made him stop, then move closer to the parlor door.**

"…**makes no sense not to tell him," Mr. Weasley was saying heatedly. "Harry's got a right to know. I've tried to tell Fudge, but he insists on treating Harry like a child. He's thirteen years old and-"**

Lily: Harry's not a child!

James: Of course he's not! He's thirteen years old!

"**Arthur, the truth would terrify him!" said Mrs. Weasley shrilly. "Do you really want to send Harry back to school with that hanging over him? For heaven's sake, he's _happy_ not knowing!"**

Remus: I'm sure whatever it is, Harry can handle it. He's a smart boy.

"**I don't want to make him miserable, I want to put him on his guard!" retorted Mr. Weasley. "You know what Harry and Ron are like, wandering off by themselves – they've ended up in the Forbidden Forest twice! **

James: They have? Niiiiice… we had only gotten in there once by third year.

**But Harry mustn't do that this year! When I think what could have happened to him that night he ran away from home! If the Knight Bus hadn't picked him up, I'm prepared to bet he would have been dead before the Ministry found him."**

Lily: No! Not Harry!

"**but he's _not_ dead, he's fine, so what's the point-"**

"**Molly, they say Sirius Black's mad, and maybe he is, but he was clever enough to escape from Azkaban, and that's supposed to be impossible. It's been three weeks, and no one's seen hide nor hair of him, and I don't care what Fudge keeps telling the _Daily Prophet_, we're no nearer catching Black than inventing self-spelling wands. The only thing we know for sure is what Black's after-"**

"**But Harry will be perfectly safe at Hogwarts."**

Sirius: Says who? I know enough secret passages to get into Hogwarts at any time…

"**We thought Azkaban was perfectly safe. If Black can break out of Azkaban, he can break into Hogwarts."**

Sirius: Exactly!

Lily: That's NOT something to be proud of, Black. I mean, think of how you got into Azkaban in the first place! It's horrible!

"**But no one's really sure that Black's after Harry-"**

**There was a thud on wood, and Harry was sure Mr. Weasley had banged his fist on the table.**

"**Molly, how many times do I have to tell you? They didn't report it in the press because Fudge wanted to keep it quiet, but Fudge went out to Azkaban the night Black escaped. The guards told Fudge that Black's been talking in his sleep for a while now. Always the same words: 'He's at Hogwarts… he's at Hogwarts.' Black is deranged, Molly, and he wants Harry dead. If you ask me, he thinks murdering Harry will bring You-Know-Who back to power. Black lost everything the night Harry stopped You-Know-Who, and he's had twelve years alone in Azkaban to brood on that. …"**

All: …

Sirius: I'm NOT after Harry!

James/Lily: You had BETTER not be…

Becki: I know the rest of the story! I know the rest of the story! I know-

Katie: Shut up, Becki. Or I'll hug you.

Becki: But… but… hugging is sexual harassment! It says so on Li's jeans!

**There was a silence. Harry leaned still closer to the door, desperate to hear more.**

"**Well, Arthur, you must do what you think is right. But you're forgetting Albus Dumbledore. I don't think anything could hurt Harry at Hogwarts while Dumbledore's headmaster. I suppose he knows all about this?"**

"**Of course he knows. We had to ask him if he minds the Azkaban guards stationing themselves around the entrances to the school grounds. He wasn't happy about it, but he agreed."**

"**Not happy? Why shouldn't he be happy, if they're there to catch Black?"**

"**Dumbledore isn't fond of the Azkaban guards," said Mr Weasley heavily. "Nor am I, if it comes to that… but when you're dealing with a wizard like Black, you sometimes have to join forces with those you'd rather avoid." **

Sirius: A wizard like me? Hey, I get a whole new group of people to head!

Remus: That's Sirius, always looking on the bright side.

"**If they save Harry-"**

"**-then I will never say another word against them," said Mr. Weasley wearily. "It's late, Molly, we'd better go up. …"**

**Harry heard chairs move. As quietly as he could, he hurried down the passage to the bar and out of sight. The parlor door opened, and a few seconds later footsteps told him that Mr. and Mrs. Weasley were climbing the stairs.**

**The bottle of rat tonic was lying under the table they had sat at earlier. Harry waited until he heard Mr. and Mrs. Weasley bedroom door close, then headed back upstairs with the bottle.**

**Fred and George were crouching in the shadows on the landing, heaving with laughter as they listened to Percy dismantling his and Ron's room in search of his badge.**

"**We've got it," Fred whispered to Harry. "We've been improving it."**

**The badge now read _Bighead Boy_.**

James: Well, I'd have to say the badge is improved tremendously.

Sirius: I would have to agree with you, mate.

Remus: Me too.

Peter: Me too!

**Harry forced a laugh, went to give Ron the rat tonic, then shut himself in his room and lay down on his bed.**

**So Sirius Black was after him. This explained everything. Fudge had been lenient with him because he was so relieved to find him alive. He'd made Harry promise to stay in Diagon Alley where there were plenty of wizards to keep an eye on him. And he was sending two Ministry cars to take them all to the station tomorrow, so that the Weasleys could look after Harry until he was on the train.**

Sirius: I think they're overreacting.

James: I agree. Sirius isn't that powerful or dangerous.

Sirius: …HEY!

**Harry lay listening to the muffled shouting next door and wondered why he didn't feel more scared. Sirius Black had murdered thirteen people with one curse; Mr. and Mrs. Weasley obviously thought Harry would be panic-stricken if he knew the truth. But Harry happened to agree whole-heartedly with Mrs. Weasley that the safest place on earth was wherever Albus Dumbledore happened to be. Didn't people always say that Dumbledore was the only person Lord Voldemort had ever been afraid of? Surely Black, as Voldemort's right-hand man, would be just as frightened of him?**

**And then there were these Azkaban guards everyone kept talking about. They seemed to scare most people senseless, and if they were stationed all around the school, Black's chances of getting inside seemed very remote.**

Sirius: I bet they don't know about the pass-

James: -whispers- Not in front of Lily, Padfoot.

Sirius: OK, but I could get in…

Lily: -looks at him suspiciously but doesn't say anything-

**No, all in all, the thing that bothered Harry most was the fact that his chances of visiting Hogsmeade now looked like zero. Nobody would want Harry to leave the safety of the castle until Black was caught; in fact, Harry suspected his every move would be carefully watched until the danger had passed.**

Lily: Well, it's all for the best… at least Black can't get to him in Hogwarts.

Sirius: -mutters- Could too.

Lily: What did you say?

Sirius: Nothing… just saying how it's for the best that I can't get at him in Hogwarts… -innocent look-

Lily: Suuuure…

**He scowled at the dark ceiling. Did they think he couldn't look after himself? He'd escaped Lord Voldemort three times; he wasn't completely useless. …**

**Unbidden, the image of the beast in the shadows of Magnolia Crescent crossed his mind. What to do when you know the worst is coming. …**

"**I'm _not_ going to be murdered," Harry said out loud.**

"**That's the spirit, dear," said his mirror sleepily.**

Lily: And THAT is the end of chapter four, "The Leaky Cauldron".

Katie: So, guys, I'm afraid that Becki is not going to be a permanent part of this feature presentation. She's too busy watching Pirates for the 42nd time.

All except Katie and Becki: Awwwww!

Becki: Bye! –walks out the door like a normal person-

Katie: OK, well, I have to go too. I'm sure people are wondering why my door is open. –opens up a blue swirly portal thingie and steps through it. Right before she does, she calls out- And my final message is: so long and thanks for all the fish.

* * *

Ta-da! All done! Oh, and 'so long and thanks for all the fish' belongs to Douglas Adams (I think that's his name… I don't have my Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy book with me and I haven't read it in ages). Anyway, it's not mine either. And Becki belongs to herself. (I was gonna say something about that here, but that'd be too mean. Can't hurt Becki's feelings, even though she should be used to it by now… jk Becki). And the BOTHER thing belongs to the guy who made Potter Puppet Pals. Can't be bothered to go watch it and get his name. 

I'm sorry if you people didn't like it as much as other chapters... I'm just not that funny when I'm sick. But review and tell me that it sucked. Or don't. Whatever. I don't care. Too much of a headache. Anyways...

Till next time,  
Kinz


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